A Day In the Life

Snow Day

2012-01-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

I uploaded these snow day pictures last week but am just now posting them. Such is life these days! :)

The kids loved waking up to snow last Saturday morning. Hope actually squealed and laughed with delight when she looked out the window to see the world of white!

The kids and Daddy had a fun time playing in the snow and sledding down the hill in the meadow.

Mommy had fun indoors enjoying a few moments of quiet between the dressing and undressing of four children in and out of their snow clothes!

It is always good for me to look at pictures of the kids being kids. It reminds me of what is important and how truly blessed I am to have these four in my life...

Happy Monday!

dream BIG

2012-01-26T05:18:00.000-08:00

So I love a good bargain. It gives me a thrill to find something for nothing. I love yard sales, thrift stores and the bargain bin at Goodwill for just that reason.
I especially love when I find something I had already been dreaming and thinking about it. Like when I had been thinking about getting a new rug for my living room and then go to Goodwill and get a brand new rug from Target for only $11.97. Yes, that makes me so happy. And I feel almost as if those special bargains are little love notes from God. Because He knows about the little things. He knows the Big desires of my hearts but also the little things that make me happy.
So we have had this blue couch sitting in our living room. And for the past two months since we have gotten our new couch I have debated what to do with the old one. It is a love seat that was one of my brother and sister in laws first new pieces of furniture they bought when they married 15 plus years ago. Their family with four kids used it for many years and then passed it on to us about 5 years ago. The color blue has faded to a gray dingy color with spots on the arms where little children have wiped off greasy hands while enjoying movie and popcorn nights. The stuffing is coming out in several holes in the cushions where eight different children have enjoyed jumping and dismantling them into forts. It is the velveteen rabbit of a couch...it has been well loved. I love the shabby chic look but this was beyond that and it was an eyesore.
So I had debated possibly slip covering the couch and even looked for one online and craigslist but then decided it was not even worth the money. Burn pile?
So Monday while rummaging at the Goodwill Bargain Room I found two couch slipcovers including one for a love seat and when i took them to the register the grand total was $2.12. I was giddy. I came home and tried it on....and I like it. The $1 transformation worked.

Well as I was sitting in my newly arranged living room with my $1 slip covered couch I was thinking about the different things I had looked at online or design blogs and then found at Goodwill. I was thinking how it is crazy that happens. Then I started thinking about the Big dreams and desires I have. What if I spent as much diligence pursuing them as I do thrift hunting. What would happen!? It is exciting to think about. I have seen God fulfill desires of my heart both big and small recently. But I also realize how too often I don't let myself dream or even acknowledge the desires of my heart. It is fine to get excited and step out in a $12 rug or a $1 slipcover because there is not much at risk. But can I be real and get excited about the big things...the deep desires?
Yes, and I must. Because God has a huge "Bargain Room" in Heaven waiting to bless me. And it is not second rate or second best. It is good because He is good. I say "God is good" but then sometimes the way that I approach God and life says otherwise.
But I want to know that in my heart and walk in that knowing "He is Good. He is LOVE. He delights in His children."
I want to not hold back my dreams and desires for fear of being disappointed. That is no way to live.

I am excited to sit on my new couch and dream....

our farm girl

2012-01-16T13:04:00.001-08:00

Sarah has become a regular little farm girl....confirmed recently by her increasing love of animals. We dog sat recently for a weekend and Sarah fell in love. She now wants a dog along with the horse she wanted so badly for Christmas. Being the great mom that I am I bought her a toy horse for Christmas :). Maybe one of these days this mama will be stretched and we will get some animals down home on the farm but till then here are two of my favorites of Sarah and Bear....

Sarah is also loving her bright pink camera she got for Christmas and these days she can be seen snapping shots with Daddy( check out www.hingework.blogspot.com) I love this picture because she just lost her top front tooth and is wearing the new look well!

I love this girl!

the farm show.

2012-01-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

We ventured to the farm show this week for some fair food, free samples and family time. Another advantage to Mark not having regular work is spontaneous family days. We were blessed to have our good friend Amber come with us too. We had a great time walking, eating, and hanging out. Here are some of the images from the day...

Hope loved the chickens and was being hilarious making faces at them and imitating them!

P.S. If you are wondering what Mark is driving these days...wonder no more. He can be seen driving the vintage "Woody Wagon" as we affectionately call it. The kids think it is just the coolest thing ever and ask for frequent rides. One evening as I was making dinner it got real quiet and when I went looking for them I found them outside playing in the mini van just because it was "so cool" in there! We are thankful to Poppy for letting us borrow this sweet ride! ;)

2012.

2012-01-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Mark sent this to me today as some encouragement. Moses does this all the time and as a result there are little foot and hand prints climbing up my doorways....although this should not be my cue if I am getting it right it did make me think that I might be doing o.k.! ;)

Life has somehow taken on an accelerated pace since December. In October I was feeling restless and even prayed, "Lord, I am feeling bored and long for something more." Little did I know what I was asking for. December arrived and along with the holidays came Mark's lay off from work, the start of a small group at our home every week, the incorporation of Mark's new photography/coaching business, and a change in schedule of life as it was.

Life is really good it just feels more full...

And I am continuing learning to let go....it seems like such a simple thing but in the midst of transition I tend to clench up when I can't see how everything is going to work. I find myself frantically cleaning my house or trying to bring order to the chaos and then freaking out when someone messes something up. I realized this is in part because I feel like I need to hold everything together. Instead of running to the Lord with my fears and worries I have held them inside which makes me tense and not always fun to be around. But when I am at rest I can enjoy the transition more and my eyes can be opened to see the goodness that surrounds me.

So on that note here are a few goals and aspirations for 2012 starting with letting go and trusting God more....

Laugh more and often...

Capture moments in time through photography and blogging...

Keep the focus on being POSITIVE

Trust God's timing

Don't lose focus on the big picture and get caught up on details

Less attitude and more GRACE

Take more time to color, laugh and just be with those I love

Don't sweat the small stuff....
even if it means small pieces of legos all over my house!

See more sunrises

Embrace the chaos and the messes...

Don't take life so seriously!

Here's to the new year ahead ...new beginnings, new transitions and new adventures.

We're off to a great start...

It's a....

2011-12-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

So one of my favorite parts of this Christmas was making a little announcement....

We had both of our mom's open a present that announced the arrival of their next grandchild.....

little baby girl Buckwalter.

Yes, we are having another girl and could not be happier.

We had our ultrasound the Wednesday before Christmas which was an awesome early present to receive.

The ultrasound tech asked us what we had at home and i told her, "boy, girl, boy, girl "and she promptly turned on the machine and pronounced "girl"! We thought she was kidding at first because she literally just turned on the screen but she was not. Our little girl was in the perfect position to be discovered. We were shocked and excited and shed a few tears of joy. Such an awesome Christmas present.

Sarah was also overjoyed. She had been praying every night for the last several months "Dear God, please let the baby live and let her be a baby sister. Amen". Her faithful prayers were answered!

I can't wait to watch her be a big sister to this special baby girl growing inside...

Snapshots from Christmas...

2011-12-26T06:19:00.000-08:00

out of control

2011-12-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

So I have now sat down and wrote and then deleted three different blog entries over the course of the last week. I was wanting to find the right words in the midst of my own proccess with the Lord and nothing seemed to be coming out right. Delete. Delete. Delete.
But what if it is not about having the right answers or the perfect words? Why do I even struggle to want to come across as having figured it all out?
And it seems like that is very issue the Lord is putitng his finger on in this season...
Last Tuesday Mark got laid off of work. There has been many postive things that have come with the lay off including more time with Mark over the holidays and a chance to pursue some dreams that have been on his heart for awhile now. We know God was in the lay off even if the timing was a surprise to us.
However, I feel out of control. Our finances, schedule, car situation (we now have one car), health insurance, and lives in general have been rearragned. Throw into the mix the holidays and pregnancy hormones and I feel very out of control. I know that the best thing to do is let go and just surrender to the rollercoaster. But instead I try to hold on and figure things out on my own and attempt to organize in the midst of chaos which leaves me stressed out and uptight and not who I want to be.
The solution is simple. Let GO. The funny thing is was I ever really in control anyways?
I want to be at rest in the midst of transtion and trust even when I can't see how it is all going to work. I have been here before and God has been faithful. My heart can be at rest.

p.s check out www.hingework.blogspot.com for Mark's side of the story....

"Jesus will provide..."

2011-12-09T06:42:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we got away without kids with our church family. It was such a time of healing and refreshment....full of laughter, tears and great conversations. I came home feeling tired but full only to be thrown into one of the craziest weeks I have had in awhile....doctor appointments, three kids to the dentist, babysitting, Sarah home sick for three days, the news of death, an unexpected visit to the mechanics. I felt like the rest and perspective I had received while away kept being threatened. On top of that it is Christmas time and I love Christmas...the decorating, time with family and friends,giving gifts, Christmas music...but what I hate every year is how stressed out i get about money. Every year I say I won't get stressed out but yet I do. Things always seem to get extra tight in November and December.
So in the midst of a crazy busy week and feeling the squeeze of finances I had a meltdown and was crying and stressing to Mark. In the middle of my little fit Moses comes into the room holding a piece of paper. While I am melting down upstairs he was downstairs rubbing pennies onto paper with a pencil and wrote these words,

Jesus will provide money when things are hard.

Mark and I both stood amazed. It was the word of the Lord. There was nothing else to say. I wish I could say the rest of my week I walked in complete trust but I want to be there. Knowing He provides and knows our every need.

Jesus will provide....And I can be at rest.

2011-12-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

I had planned to sit down and write about my cell phone woes...how my lone and only means of communication with the outside world was lost and then stolen last week. And how disarming it can feel to be without a phone....
But somehow today all that seems of little relevance. Losing my cell phone is a small thing....a nuisance or an annoyance but still a thing.
My heart has been grieving today for friends of ours who lost three of their children yesterday in a car accident. I cannot get them off my mind today. At the dentist. Driving in the car. Washing the dishes. Sweeping the floor. They keep coming back. So I am praying for them. And in the midst dealing with my own fears and mistrust towards the Lord in allowing such things to even happen. Choosing to fix my eyes on the Lord and His goodness even when it hurts and I don't understand. I am rejoicing that they are with the Father in heaven but grieving for the empty arms that have been left behind.....
I am squeezing my children extra long and hard today, trusting them again to the Lord. Giving Him my fears, questions and worries. Thankful that today with the phone not ringing Him and I have a little more time to talk ....

a little bit of life....

2011-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

So i am now 17 weeks and pulling out the maternity and my bigger jeans! Things are definitely getting snug but it is exciting to finally have a little baby bump.

This little girl keeps me on my toes. She loves to talk and is my sidekick throughout the day. We have a lot of fun together...

And this beauty...man i love her. But lately we seem to be butting heads a lot. Sometimes it feels like she is six going on sixteen...and other days she is still my little girl. I feel like I am in uncharted territory at times and need the Lord's wisdom and heart in parenting her. To know when to release and give freedom and when to discipline and draw boundaries...

On Saturday afternoon Sarah and Daddy had a little date to McDonald's and a walk around the city. She was so excited. She could hardly wait for him to get off work and come pick her up! It was fun to watch her pick out her outfit and get ready for her date. She loves her Daddy. i was only slightly jealous....

And this little man has been growing up before my very eyes. Becoming his own person. With his own opinions. I find I need to seize these days I have been given with him as I think about him starting school next year. He is growing up.

And this boy is also growing up. Yesterday he was very excited to be part of a lego contest at the lancaster museum. He loves to build and create and i can't wait to see how he uses the gifts inside of him...

And here are a few shots from thanksgiving...some of the only ones we took that day. We hung out with the Buckwalters and all 17 cousins, 14 of which are 8 and under. Our kids love their cousins and any chance to play with them. Here is Mark's grandma with the two youngest cousins, Piper and Karolina.

Just a little bit of life on this rainy Tuesday afternoon.....

Happy Tuesday!

My Man is a Blessing

2011-11-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my man. He has put up with the hormonal and emotional ups and downs of the first trimester. He has continued to push me to be a better person, woman, and mother. I am thankful for a best friend to walk through this life with. I love you Mark.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Children Are A Blessing

2011-11-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

"My children are a blessing" reads the little sign I posted over my bathroom sink to remind myself daily of the truth of these words. Believe it or not I sometimes need to be reminded...

On days when I feel more like a WWF referee than a mom or I have to say "stop it" ten times in a row for the same misdemeanor and I feel like an underpaid maid...these are the days I need to remind myself of the blessings these little lives are. This week as we focus on the things we are thankful for at Thanksgiving I have found myself anything but thankful at times. I have been irritated and annoyed with my children too often. I need a change in perspective.
I need to remind myself of the Hopey's sweet kisses and hugs that she bestows on me throughout the day, snuggling with Silas in the afternoon on the couch reading a book, the nightly bedtime conversations on the edge of Sarah's bed, watching Moses's love of learning and creativity and so many other ways they bless and enrich our lives. Right now as I am writing Hope is standing on the back of my chair massaging my shoulders repeating "This make you feel better". Yes, my children are a blessing. And I am very thankful for their lives and the joy they bring....along with a little craziness!

Thank you God for the gift of my children. The lessons they teach me, the way the challenge me in my walk with you, for the things they surface in my heart, their laughter, the hugs, their child like faith and the way they bring joy to our lives. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

little apple

2011-11-19T05:18:00.000-08:00

So I am now at the end of my 15th week of pregnancy. It feels good to be out of the first trimester. The nausea has subsided and my belly is growing. At 15 weeks the baby is supposed to be about the size of an apple. Here is me and my little apple.

And here is another little apple....

To see some more recent family pictures check out Hingework (www.hingework.blogspot.com). Mark posted some recent pictures of our family that I love! I am so proud of him pursuing his love for photography!

our little indian girl

2011-11-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

Sarah's first grade class had a little Thanksgiving skit and feast this morning. Sarah was a little Indian girl. She was so excited for her part, which was to stomp her feet, put her fingers to her mouth and say "shh". The skit was short and sweet. The teacher joked that it is like the small towns you drive through, "if you blink you will miss it".

Sarah did a great job and was so thrilled we were there to watch! We love you girl!

(I can't believe it is Thanksgiving next week already. Let the festivities begin! )

ideals

2011-11-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

I have written before about perfectionism and how the Lord has been highlighting perfectionism in my life. And also how perfectionism is not being perfect but trying to live up to unrealistic ideals.
Over the last year I have really enjoyed reading home decorating/do-it-yourself blogs. I often come away inspired about a new way to decorate or rearrange my furniture or sew throw pillows or even paint my dining room chairs! But sometimes I can come away from the computer feeling like I wasted time and feeling discouraged about how far from ideal my house is. I start to build ideals of what my house should look like and list in my head all the ways my house does not meet up. This can be very defeating. Oh those stupid ideals.
While looking at home decorating blogs I started to get this picture in my head of what the "perfect" living room would look like along with the "perfect" couch. It would be sleek and clean and white and well, perfect.
So in the meantime friends of ours were going to sell their sectional couch on craiglist but felt they were to give it to us instead and approached us about it on my birthday none the less. Here's the catch, I almost turned down their offer because I wasn't looking for a sectional. It wasn't in my ideal picture in my head of what I wanted the living room to look like. But in the end we accepted their offer and you know what? I love it! It is perfect for our family and the stage we are in now. We can all lay and prop up our feet at the same time while we eat popcorn and watch movies. It is super comfy and great for lounging and reading books.
I realized recently I almost missed out on what was being offered me because of my ideals. The funny thing is if I would have gotten my dream couch I probably wouldn't have let anyone sit on it because it would have been too perfect! :)
The couch may seem like a little thing but it opened my eyes to how much ideals can hinder us from enjoying what is being offered to us now!

Lord help me let go of my ideals and open my eyes to see the goodness that lies right in front of me. Amen.

full time ministry

2011-11-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

   Recently I was thinking how I got into this thing called mothering. No, not literally, but rather how this whole journey with children started...
   When Mark and I first got together we were sure we were headed towards full time ministry together. After our fast engagement and short relationship we wanted to wait at least two years to have children and had even prayed that if the Lord wanted us to we would not have children so we could be better fit for the ministry!!!!(makes me laugh every time).
   So about six weeks into our marriage a young couple came to our house that we did not know that well. Next thing we knew they were opening up to us about intimate things and sharing how they felt they were to get off birth control and trust the Lord. It was one of those times that the words they said felt like they were coming out extra loud and hit me like a train wreck. I looked over at Mark and he had the same kind of look on his face. After the couple went home we talked and prayed. It seemed like the Lord was getting our attention but this was not exactly how we had thought it was all going to work. So after much tears and prayer I flushed the birth control bills and my fears and decided to trust God.
   A month later I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold I was pregnant. I had gotten pregnant just two weeks after the ceremonial flushing of the pill. And with the positive pregnancy came more of a mother's heart. I often wonder how different our lives would look if we had not obeyed.
   And full time ministry looked a lot different than I imagined. We did spend the first three to four years of our marriage in "full time ministry" but most of my ministry looked more like "full time mothering". I can sometimes forget to see mothering as ministry and fall into a mindset that I am just feeding, clothing, and taking care of children. But i want to have eyes to see these little lives as my ministry...as more than just something that fills my days.
   Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it will look like to add one more to our gang. For some reason a family of seven sounds like a lot more than having a family of six. I know more is going to be required of me. And I want to rise to the challenge. I want my heart to expand... to love more, to grow in patience and kindness. I know asking for these things means at times being stretched. Just like my belly is stretching and growing right now and making my pants tight. The Lord is stretching me in the area of mothering. I can either fight it or embrace it.
   I also know that the mothering I am called to is not always limited to children. As a senior in college I wrote in one of my papers that I was called to be a mother to women. I sometimes stray away from that whole idea because I can feel like I don't have a lot of offer right now. Heck, I don't always have my own life figured out how can I help others? (Lliterally after I was writing this I talked to a mom and I found myself sharing with her things I have learned over the last few weeks of being pregnant. And it was like the Lord was showing me I DO have things to offer)

   So I am writing all this to say I want to embrace the fullness of my call to mother.Somehow to write it all out this morning refreshed my memory of things on my heart. I started writing this a week ago but it felt incomplete. And this morning the Lord was reminding me of college and the things He put on my heart even back then. The funny thing was I did not want to go to college. I hated the "C" word. I just wanted to get married and have children. But God used the four years there along with Tuesday Night Bible study to plant things in my heart (plus I needed something to do while I waited for Mark)!

(a little picture from the archives and the days of full time ministry)

It feels scary to write all this. To say I want to grow as a mother when I know full well that means I will be stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone. But I am not totally fulfilled right now in just life as normal so I want the fullness of what the Lord has for me. Being stretched out of my comfort zone was after all how this whole journey got started in the first place.

The big 5

2011-11-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

Time is racing on and today Silas turns 5. The big 5. As in now he can hold up all the fingers on one hand to show how old he is!

Silas is growing up and becoming his own person. And where Moses eats, sleeps and breathes legos, Silas is really into Cars....and anything to do with the movie and the characters.

This morning Grandma Yocom stopped by with a Car's scooter. He was so excited to say the least...

And Silas came home this weekend from Grandma Buck's with a bag full of Car's stuff. He was all grins showing off his new toys. Here he is with Mater...his favorite.

And here is my winking birthday boy. My sweetheart who rubs my arm and makes sure I am feeling okay. Our little hugger who loves to give squeezes. And our sensitive boy who will always volunteer to pray when asked. He is also all boy and loves to be outdoors, wrestle, climb trees and build forts...which is fitting since Silas means "man of the forest". We love you Silas!!!
We have loved these last five years and what you add to our family. We can't wait to see all of what God has for you in the many years to come.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

it's really all about perspective

2011-11-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

job perks

2011-11-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

*So i wrote this Monday morning but never posted it. And this morning I wasn't not feeling so perky or grateful or so sure I should even be eating barbecue chips. So in faith I am posting this reminding myself that mothering is a great job...one that I am called to and one that is full of rewards. I need to just let off the pressure and enjoy this season...and maybe go eat some more potato chips too!

I remember as a teenager at times getting into the station wagon and finding a half eaten bag of chips shoved into the glove box. As a weight conscious teenager I didn't understand my mom's occasional chip eating on the way home from the grocery store. I would not even allow myself to eat the sinful things that is until I was pregnant with Moses and rediscovered what I had been missing all those years.
So today on the way home from the grocery store I ripped into the bag of potato chips that were calling out my name in the snack aisle. I savored each bite. Ahh. There was only two little ones with me so together we enjoyed the chips as we sang along to the radio. I was starting to understand my mom. Sometimes you just want to enjoy a snack without other hands grabbing and asking for some. And sometimes you want to open the bag of chips before you get home because you can. Funny how these things come around.
There are some job perks that sometimes get unnoticed in the midst of the mundane. I can shop and get the stuff I am hungry for and even indulge in a few chips on the way home if I want to. I can take a nap in the middle of the day. I don't have a boss man screaming at me. I can blog, journal, read a book or browse the Internet throughout the day. I can make my own schedule. And I get lots of time with my kids.
Somehow driving along eating chips with my kids today reminded me of all the perks of my job and what I have to be thankful for...

lessons from the dinner table

2011-10-28T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well there is a first time for everything. Last night Mark was away over dinner time. I discovered when I was ready to serve dinner that the ham I had glazed and baked was still frozen in the middle. So we had chicken nuggets and peas instead. Halfway through dinner Hope looked at me and said, "Mommy I have a pea up my nose". WHAT! I looked but did not see anything. We tried blowing her nose a few times but nothing came out so we continued dinner and I forgot about it.
A half hour after dinner she was still blowing on her nose and sniffing. I asked her if the pea was still there and she said yes. I took the shade off the office light and shined it up her nose. Sure enough the little green culprit was stuck up her nose. I could just see the end of it. I googled "pea up the nose" and lo and behold there was some ideas. I tried one and it didn't work. Then I tried holding her other nostril shut while she blowed. First she sucked it up further. Then she blew really hard twice and the pea shot out of her nose and propelled across the room. Hope and I were cracking up. I was laughing and praising God the little pea came out.
Hope is now retelling the story over and over of how she blew the pea out of her nose. She is such a little ham and loves to tell stories. I am hoping a lesson was learned though...do not stick peas up your nose!

P.S. I learned a lesson too...make sure your ham is completely defrosted before cooking. Four hours later at 7:30 my ham was ready to come out of the oven. Ugh. Lesson learned.

turning the corner

2011-10-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

I think I may have turned the corner in this pregnancy. I have only thrown up twice in the last two and half weeks (yeah!) and now can make it through a day without a nap (yeah again!). I still struggle to stay awake past 8 pm. and I don't remember when I last saw the bottom of the wash pile... but that might not have anything to do with being pregnant. Evenings still tend to be my hardest time of day as far as feeling sick, which is a blessing since Mark is home during those times (although Mark may not always see it that way! )

Photography has been something on Mark's heart and as been a hobby he has pursued over the last eight years. Over the last month he has had four photo sessions, three of which were in the last week. I have become his editing side kick/prop and design girl. So if it has been quiet here on this blog it is because I have been editing and posting pictures over here at www.hingework.blogspot.com. Check out some of Mark's pics and I hope to be posting some more soon.

This week I also started crossing some things off the "to- do" list that was accumulating in my head as I spent afternoons laying on the couch. It feels so good even if I pay for it in the evenings. Monday I sewed three pillows for my couch. Mom graciously came and gave me a sewing 101 since I had not been on a sewing machine since 8th grade when I got a C in sewing class. It was fun and I may even think of something else to sew! I also have been wanting to paint my dinning room chairs so I have been working on them little by little when I have energy. Small things really but it feels good to be creative and start feeling like myself again.

Here's to turning the corner....

A Harvest of Joy

2011-10-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

It is harvest time here on the farm and the kids love watching all the tractors and combines and other equipmnent come through our driveway. Last week the farmers were baling hay and the hay bales were sitting in the meadow just beckoning us to come play....

A picture to remember this stage of life....Moses lost two of his front teeth and has a nice toothless grin

Daddy and his kids taking the plunge.

My CRAZY kids!

I love this picture of my family. So real life.

Home again, home again.

Looking at these pictures this morning I was reminded again how much I have to be thankful for. A harvest of joy.

life

2011-10-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

I said I was not going to hold my breath but I did anyways. Holding parts of my heart back for fear I might get disappointed. Keeping a distance from the Lord afraid He might not really be able to be trusted.
I didn't do these things consciously but they were still there. Whenever worship music came on I would weep, the gaping hole in my heart exposed. I began to realize these things earlier this week and reading over my journal I was reminded again of the Lord's heart for me and the promises He has spoken.
So I should not have been surprised yesterday to find LIFE yet I still was. "Exhale. Breathe. It's really going to be okay."The ultrasound technician turned on the machine and immediately we saw the form of a little baby, kicking and moving, with a steady heartbeat. I was moved to tears. Relief. In awe at the new life growing inside of me. Remaining fear starting to flee...

Little baby Buck at 10 weeks 2 days

I was also surprised to find out I had gained 7 pounds in the last month. Surprising really because I had been throwing up every other day and eating only what would stay down. I shouldn't have been surprised though since my jeans are already tight at only 10 weeks. The extra 7 pounds have kind of formed an inter tube around my middle. I was reminded yesterday of the quote I sent my sister in law when she was very pregnant with her fifth,

"Scars and stretch marks and muffin tops are all part of your kingdom work. One of the greatest testimonies Christian women can have in the world today is the testimony of joyfully giving your body to another." (Rachel Jankovic)

So I will embrace the muffin top and the extra pounds knowing I am bringing forth another life. A life that is eagerly anticipated.

"God made woman to be a maker, to open her empty places and let life be knit from within her."
(Ann Voskamp)

mama

2011-10-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hope has been very into reading books these days and one of her favorites recently has been "Hop on Pop". Everytime we get to the last page she points to the one character and says, "That's YOU Mama!"

The other day I studied the mama look alike and started to laugh. The frazzled hair, bags under the eyes, and kind of tired and pale face did bear some resemblance....

I have not been on my "A"game these days. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was laying on the couch, as part of my daily routine, when I thought about how I had not heard the phone ring all day. I decided to check my phone and here all my messages were going straight to voicemail. I listened to the messages and was surprised to hear the school seceratary was calling. She said Moses was very concerned that I was going to forget that today was early dismissal so she was calling to remind me. I looked down at the clock. I had two minutes to get to the end of the lane to catch the bus. I made it and was laughing on the way. What a mom! And what a son! He knows me too well...

that's what brothers are for

2011-10-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

Thursday was a big night here at the Buckwalter household. Silas learned to ride without training wheels...

Moses coached Silas through the steps and gave him the push he needed

And he's off....

Moses ran along side of him the whole time encouraging and cheering him on. That's what brothers are for....

We also had a little "bike show"going on with a handmade ramp Moses designed with some bricks and a piece of plywood....

Even Sarah did the jump. Although she was a bit more cautious then Moses who would fly off the ramp...

And the view from the sidelines....

Happy Saturday....

grace

2011-10-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

Most days I end up spending the afternoon either on the couch or in my bed. Usually I am out in minutes but some days I just lay there keeping the nausea at bay. On these days I end up daydreaming. In my mind I have decorated, painted furniture and rearranged rooms. In reality there is a pile of dishes in the sink, a mountain of wash, and toys strewn on the floor.

I am reminded again that for me today in this season there is...

(there is also grace for my dusty furniture)

2011-09-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

"...If there is anything (mothering) will teach you, is that there is no room to take yourself seriously. Like trying to strike "cool" poses on a rug that someone is continually pulling out from under you, self-seriousness in mothering is totally pointless and probably painful..."

-Rachel Jankovic

I woke up sore all over this morning. Why? Because yesterday I totally slipped on the sidewalk outside the front entrance of Silas's preschool. Totally fell hard and slid across the sidewalk right by the glass doors where everyone was dropping off their kids. Smooth. It hurt bad. Both my body and my pride.

This morning I was thinking back to some of my "great falls". I have some classics. I have this knack for falling and tripping. And although at the time it may be painful it has provided me with some laughter over the years. I can take myself way too seriously but this morning I was reminded that it is good to laugh...even at myself.

Here is a little snapshot of some of my historic falls:

-I fell on the bowling alley in high school on one of my first dates. Totally wiped out on the alley on my back.
-I stepped out of the historic claw foot tub on our honey moon and completely slipped. Mark heard me wipe out but was polite enough to spare me the embarrassment of coming in and finding me sprawled naked out on the floor....yes very romantic
-I had two falls on our honeymoon. The for better or worse was tested right away as I was completely bruised by the end of our trip. I ran down this hill not realizing there was a stone ledge at the bottom. I jumped the wall and fell onto a stone beach that was very unforgiving on my body. A man was fishing in a boat out on the water. Later he saw us and casually said, "That last step is a doozy".
-I got out of the car at Old Navy and tripped while holding hot coffee and the coffee splattered all over the car next to us. Mark was mad but I could not stop laughing.
-There was numerous falls on the boardwalk the most memorable one being the time I was pregnant with Silas and carrying one year old Sarah and hot pizza and totally tripped sending pizza everywhere. My arm took the brunt of the fall and Sarah was fine but a whole crowd of people gathered around me. I wanted to die.
-Another pregnant fall happened when I was expecting Moses. I tripped on the sidewalk walking through the city and tried to catch myself. I kind of started half running trying to catch my balance and ending up slamming into a car and landing between the car and the curb. Mark was having a fit. Why where you running?, he questioned. I was trying to catch myself. I am sure it looked hilarious.

I am sure there are more but these are the ones that had me giggling to myself this morning. I have other embarrassing moments too that don't evolve falling but I will save them for another day....

exhale

2011-09-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

I find myself holding my breath. Sometimes it is literally hard to breathe when the anxiousness sets in. I think "if I can just make it through the first trimester than I can breathe easy". But then what if something happens later on in the pregnancy. I hold my breath some more. But even if I deliver a healthy baby we are not guaranteed forever. How long am I going to hold my breath, waiting for the bad news or living afraid of what may come? Why don't I let go now. Exhale. Breathe deep. Trusting the One who holds the future. My holding my breath does not change a thing.
Exhale. Breathe. It's going to be okay

the gift of an ordinary day

2011-09-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today after lunch I was cleaning up the kitchen and Silas and Hope went outside to play. I didn't think about it till 10 minutes later when I realized it was very quiet. I ran outside and yelled for them. No answer. I searched the yard and they were no where to be found. I started to hurry out the lane yelling their names. No answer. At the corner of our 1/4 mile lane sat Silas and Hope's bikes but they were not with them. I started panicking and screaming their names. At this point I was seriously imagining someone had abducted them. Do I call 911?
I ran back to the house and looked some more then decided to drive out the lane just in case they had walked out to the end. As I was driving and seriouly panicking I saw them at the end of the lane in the corn field playing. I lost it. It was only 10 minutes but my whole world was flashing before me. And maybe it was partly hormones raging but all I could do was hold those little bodies and cry.
I think at times as I am sick and throwing up I can forget how blessed I really am...

I'm gonna give an extra hug or two today. Thanking the Lord for these little lives He has entrusted me with.

"It has taken me awhile but I certainly do know it now-the most wonderful gift I had, the gift i finally learned to cherish above all else was the gift of all those perfectly ordinary days."

-Katrina Kenison

mood lift

2011-09-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Blame it on the pregnancy. Blame it on spending most of the day yesterday on the couch. Or blame it on spending a majority of the past week or so in sweatpants with no makeup....Either way today I randomly walked into holiday hair (of all places) and got my hair chopped off. It was a total spur of the moment move. But I left $12 later feeling a little lighter. It was what I needed today.

This is my eighth time walking through a first trimester. My three miscarriages were all at 12-14 weeks so I was already mostly thru the first trimesters. You would think I would be a pro by now. But each time it is a battle. It is a battle physcially but also emotionally and spiritually. I struggle with depression and feel like I am in survival mode just to get through the day. I know this is just a season. I know it will not last forever. I know, I know. But when I am in the midst of it, it can be hard to keep perspective and vision on the goal....new life, a baby of promise. Today I felt some relief from the sickness and I am praising the Lord because the last few days were hard. I know I am not through yet but I am thankful for today. And I just need to take it day by day.... leaving my fears and worries at His feet.

Hope's Prayer

2011-09-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

"Dear God thank you for Mommy and the baby in her belly. Help her to feel better and her not to throw up in the shower. Help her not to throw up in her mouth. AMEN! (very loudly)" Hope, age 2

I was laying on the couch last night trying not to throw up when Hope decided to pray for me. I wish I could say I was instantly feeling better but her sweet prayer did bless my spirit and I woke up this morning feeling a little better. Thank you God for child like faith!

my family

2011-09-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Last night was meet the teacher night at school. For starting school a week late Moses and Sarah have done a great job making the transition. Sarah especially is loving her teacher and class and comes off the bus beaming every day. Moses also has a great teacher this year. While visiting his class this picture was hanging in the hall along with a lovely description of our family. He was especially proud of his Daddy and wrote several sentences about him. Mark is shown wearing his Quality Stone work shirt and I am wearing a shirt that says "love". Sometimes it is the things we don't know they notice that they pick up on the most. Sometimes the greatest lessons are the ones we don't preach.

Have a happy weekend...

a year ago...

2011-09-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

A year ago on September 21st I went into the doctor for my first prenatal appointment thinking I was about 13 weeks along in my pregnancy. After an exam and an ultrasound we discovered I was pregnant with twins but there were no heartbeats....we were crushed. Two surgeries later we were back to the question of whether we try again...

One week short of a year later I went to my first prenatal visit yesterday and again had an exam and an ultrasound. I was nervous and excited. I had Mark go with me because I wanted him to be there if it was good news or bad.

I thought I was further along but measurements showed me at only 6 weeks. A baby's heart only starts to beat around 6 weeks and at this stage is only about the size of a piece of rice. But when the nurse turned the sound on during the ultrasound we heard a steady heartbeat...there was life! It is crazy to me that we could hear the heartbeat of someone so small.

(there is a tiny arrow pointing to the baby)

We are excited to welcome number five and I feel like this whole journey so far has been about going back to places that have been hard or painful. I would be lying to say that I am not scared. But I know that this is a journey of trust and the Father is not going to leave me alone. The nauseausness and tiredness has also hit hard this week ...again a reminder that I need to lean on Him and let some more things go.

I welcome prayers for the pregnancy as we come to mind. We are praying for life and life to the full! Thanks for being with us on this journey...

Our love story....She says

2011-09-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate nine years of marriage. This is an abridged version of our love story in "she says, he says" form. I love how our story continues to be written....

We first met in the spring of 2001. I was a junior in college trying to figure out where I was going in life. We met at a Tuesday Night Bible Study retreat where I had short spiky red hair which was one thing that Mark later said caught his eye.

From the very start there was something that attracted me to him. He had a passion for the Lord that provoked something inside of me every time I was around him. But I would not let my heart go there. If my roommates mentioned his name I would shrug it off, "What's the big deal about Mark Buckwalter, maybe I would be interested in someone like him but he probably wants some high maintenance blonde or something."

So I shut off my heart to anything to do with Mark Buckwalter.

In the meantime I was in my senior year of college and seeing Mark every week at Tuesday night bible study. My roommates and I also traveled on youth retreats with him to minister to the girls. During this time I began to get approached by several different guys about dating. I had not dated since high school but felt like a relationship might be coming. I really struggled to believe the Lord knew my heart's desire in terms of a man. I believed that I might have to settle for someone who I was not really attracted to or someone who I would have to lead spiritually.

I will never forget the night he first told me he was interested in me. It was nine months after I had first met him. We were on our way home from a youth group retreat where we had been ministering and I was wearing my glasses, old grubby jeans and a worn sweatshirt. During the retreat the Lord had been speaking to me more about how He saw me and the ministry team had even spent time praying for my husband. As we were packing up to go Mark asked if he could talk to me. He told me for nine months he had been praying and asking the Lord if I was the one. He explained the whole journey and shared his heart. I just sat there dumbfounded. Something inside of me clicked yet I couldn't believe he was actually interested in me...

We decided to take the next week and pray about our relationship. I drove home that night crying as I realized for the first time in a long time that the Lord really did have good things for me and maybe even my heart's desire. That night I fell asleep and woke up at 2:30 in the morning and felt the Lord saying to lay my hand on my hip and pray. Earlier in the weekend my hip had been hurting as we prayed for husband at the retreat. Now I laid my hand on my hip and the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to my mind. I had been wrestling with who I was and what God had for me. And I felt these words spoken to my heart, "You have wrestled with God and with man and have overcome. I will change your name. You shall no longer be called Jacob but Israel with means struggled with God and overcome." One of the guys I had been wrestling with whether or not to be in a relationship with was named Jacob. The Lord was saying that Jacob was not who I was called to but he was literally going to give me a new name...a new last name.

Mark and I got together on a Friday afternoon and shared and prayed together. He too had a crazy God experience the exact night at the exact time I did. We were amazed at the hand of the Lord bringing us together.We had both prayed for a God love story but were blown away as we watched Him write it on our lives.
We prayed and took communion together on our first date and looked at each other and said, "You're going to be my husband, You're going to be my wife". Three weeks later we were officially engaged.

All this happened with out knowing really anything about each other. We had spent time ministering together at youth retreats but as far as practical details I didn't even know how old he was let alone if we liked the same kinds of things. We got engaged, fell in love and then become best friends. Maybe a bit backwards but it worked for us. I laugh now because the Lord so much knew what I needed in a husband. I just had to trust Him and lay down my ideal list which included someone 6ft tall, with curly hair who played guitar! I also had to trust that the Lord knew the desires of my heart. As we got to know each other I marveled at little details that lined up. I also got stretched in ways that I never imagined...
It has been a journey with twists and turns but I fall more in love with my passionate bald motorcycle riding
husband every year. He has become my best friend and the man I want to grow old with....

(Stay tuned for Mark's side of the story coming soon and thanks again to Regina at Radiant Images for the awesome pictures)

Another first...

2011-09-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

This morning Silas started preschool. He went right into the classroom like a pro. That is what happens when you are the third child. What also happens when you are the third child is that Mommy forgets to take your picture before school and you have to stage the first day picture after preschool! Oh well.

Silas loved preschool and loved having something that is his special thing. He loved his new CARS backpack and that it carried important papers he had to give me. He was also very proud of his new hairdo which is a mohawk just like his older cousins!

While Silas was at preschool I went shopping with just Hope. I actually missed Silas pushing the little cart and helping to unload the groceries! He is growing up so fast!

We love you buddy and pray that this year of preschool is a great time for you!

daddy's girls

2011-09-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning while I was cleaning the house and making flower bouquets for a party we were hosting with 100-150 guests....Daddy was taking pictures of his little girls. They both love their Daddy and the camera. Can you tell? I love these two silly little girls...

little bride

2011-09-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well after mama's photo shoot last week in her wedding dress it seemed only fitting that Sarah get one in hers. This little wedding dress was found at Goodwill while Sarah was shopping with Grandma. Grandma said Sarah just glowed when she tried it on in the dressing room. She twirled and spinned and giggled and grinned. So Grandma bought it.
It is a little crazy to think about the day she will walk down the aisle for real. But for now she is still a little girl who loves to pretend, pick flowers and get her pictures taken by her daddy....

homeschool crash course

2011-09-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

So I took a crash course in homeschooling. Crash meaning it was quick as in it is already over before it even began.
I was going to be doing cyber school with the kids this year. It "seemed" like it would be a good option because it would give me some structure but still the freedom of homeschooling. But last week after all the ciruculum and computers came I realized that this was not what I wanted to do and that cyber school was not all it was advertised to be. So after many tears, prayers, and debate Moses and Sarah are going back to school.
Do I feel like a failure? Yes, I have defintely wrestled with those thoughts. But honestly I more feel relief. I was ready to try my hand at homeschool but during our "practice" sessions I was becoming more and more anxious and really not excited about it anymore. I liked the idea of seeing my kids more and doing things outside of the four walls of a school building but I did not like how many expectations were upon me and how the younger two got pushed aside.
So I quit before I really started but I am okay with it. I learned a lot through the proccess and I think it has helped to make me a better mom. Just preparing for homeschool forced me to make some changes in our home and schedule.
In some ways it is hard to let Moses and Sarah go when I had been ready for them to be at home this year. But in saying no this year I am not completly ruling out homeshool. It is just not for this year.

When I started this journey and took the plunge this is not where I thought I would land but it is good and I am at peace.

celebrate

2011-09-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

On September 14th Mark and I will be married nine years. To celebrate I had this idea of taking some pictures in my wedding dress. I spied the dress hanging in my closet this summer and on a whim tried it on and it fit! So we called up our good friend Regina who is a photographer and had her come out and take some pictures here at Blossom View. It was such a fun evening and Regina brought out parts of me that many don't see. I really had a lot of fun. We were much more relaxed than our wedding day and kissed more too! (we had our first kiss on our wedding day and let's just say it was slightly akward on my part!)
Anyways...
Check the pictures out at: http://www.radiantimages.blogspot.com/

Eight.

2011-08-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

   Eight years ago today I began this journey called mothering. After an intense and quick hour long labor a baby boy with a head full of hair and the cord wrapped around his neck came forth. His face was blue. We all held our breaths until he took his first breath and let out a cry. And we cried too. We prayed and felt his name should be Moses Elijah. A strong name for a strong little boy. We were instantly in love.
   Moses proved he had a strong will right from the start. When frustrated he would hold his breath till he turned blue. He cried a lot and slept very little. For the first three months we would take turns bouncing him up and down, up and down to keep him content.
   Moses was not the only one crying. I think I cried every day for the first month. Mark did not know who he should comfort first. I thought I could never do this birthing thing again and I did not have what it takes to be a mother.
   But as days turned to months things got better. Our good days far outweighed the bad ones.We were sleeping more and crying less. We began to enjoy parenting more. Our introduction to parenting was not an easing into but rather a baptism by fire but we had come forth stronger.
   When God had prompted us six weeks into our marriage to get off birth control we had wrestled. After all we had only dated 9 months before getting married and were we really ready for a baby? I remember crying out to the Lord for a mother's heart not really knowing what was ahead. But I look back with no regrets. Moses has taught us so much...about the Father's heart, each other, and life.

   This morning I looked at Moses and could not believe 8 years had gone by so fast. Eight years. I am now the mother of a third grader. And though I thought I could not do this mothering thing, the Lord has blessed me with three more, and has spoken time and time again, "Yes, you can".

   Moses we love you and are so blessed to call you son. Thanks for all you have taught us and continue to teach us. You bring great joy to our hearts. Though you are small in stature, you are strong in spirit. We are blessed by your vision for life and your diligence to get a job done. We love your creativity and sensitivity. We love how you are a great leader and a helper to your younger brother and sisters. We bless your gifts to build and design. We love you Buddy!

Happy Birthday!

Father and Son. Nine months old drumming on Daddy's head ....and our hearts.

a grateful heart

2011-08-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

It's been quite the week ...an ear infection and a bad case of poison ivy are an interesting combination (and when i say bad i mean i had poison on my arms, legs, thighs, stomach, neck and face!) On the way to the doctor's this morning for my ear I began thinking about what God may be trying to teach me through this. Although both minor things the two together have gotten my attention as I alternate between a scratchy body and pounding ear.
The word I heard as I drove along and listened was "Gratitude". He is teaching me to be grateful. When I am sick I began to see how much I really do have to be grateful for...starting with my health. And I see how often I am not grateful or thankful.
So today I was thanking him for all that He has given me...which is really a lot. An amazing husband, four beautiful healthy energetic children, a big farmhouse to live in on a gorgeous property, food to eat, great friendships and so much more.
I can look at my house and see the perpetually sticky old linoleum floor and orange shag carpet or walk out the front door and look at the view of rolling meadows and flower gardens. It is the same house...just a different perspective.

"Sometimes all we really need is a fresh perspective on our circumstances. We need someone to open a window and let a breeze blow into the room that we didn't realize had gotten so stuffy." ~Nancy Wilson~

Give me one thing more, a grateful heart.~George Herbert~

little girls...

2011-08-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

The other night we had some friends over for dinner. As us adults sat on the porch talking I noticed it was unusually quiet. Then four little girls appeared from upstairs, dressed in fancy dresses with fresh bouqets of flowers they had picked from the garden. "We are playing wedding", they said excitedly.
Their hair was uncombed and dinner and dirt still on their faces but when they put on the dresses and Mark took their pictures they felt like princesses.
They laughed and twirled and ran through the grass feeling beautiful and free.
There is a lot I can learn from watching little girls...

If you look closely you will see the girls were not the only ones dressing up!

While we try to teach our children all about life

Our children teach us what life is all about...

(author unknown)

Motherhood.

2011-08-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last spring while browsing through the toy section at Target I ran into a veteran home school mom. It was in the midst of the Lord starting to put home school on my heart and I confessed to her that I was thinking about doing it. I remember her saying, "Homeschool is really about what the Lord wants to do in YOU." And I also remember me thinking, "Yeah, that is exactly why I am scared !"
The first few weeks of summer were very hard this year. I was surprised by how used to I had become of my "relaxed" afternoons with only two children. The adjustment to having all four kids home all day was difficult for them...and for me. There was no where to send them or no where to run from the issues that were coming up in me and in them.
I am excited and scared about homeschool for these exact reasons. Even more than the school work aspect, the mothering part is just as overwhelming. I know there are areas the Lord wants to strengthen and grow me in but it is also hard for my perfectionist self to not take myself so seriously.
A few weeks back I was wrecked by this article on mothering. I literally sat at the computer and bawled as the Lord touched places in my heart. (check it out at www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-is-a-calling-and-where-your-children-rank). I actually went and bought the author's book, "Loving the Little Years...Motherhood in the Trenches". I am really enjoying the perspective and challenges she brings...

I am blessed that the Lord loves me where I am at but He also loves me too much to leave me here...

"I didn't write this book because mothering is easy for me. I wrote it because it isn't."
-Rachel Jankovic

a little shout out

2011-08-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a little shout out to Zion Rae on her eighth birthday!
We love you and are excited to have you living close to us again! Sarah is especially excited and is counting down the days till your arrival! Hope you have a very special birthday!
love, Uncle Mark, Aunt Heather, Moses, Sarah, Silas and Hope

quote of the day

2011-08-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this contraption the other day hanging from my cabinet. Then I came across this quote which pretty much sums it up.

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the snow before it stops snowing."

taking the plunge.

2011-08-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

To me sky diving and home schooling my children are right up there with things I would NEVER do.
But I am learning to never say never.
I never thought I would home school my children because I was just not that "type" of mom...there was no way I could ever do that. I had frequently said "I will never home school UNLESS the Lord puts it on my heart" (notice the clause).
Well, starting in the spring time home school was on my heart where it never was before and it seemed that every blog and every other mom I ran into was homeschooling which only fueled my curiosity. I started praying about it, looking into curriculum's, talking to other moms, and praying some more. Sometimes my prayers were more like circles in my mind that went round and round with the pros and cons of home school versus public school. On a good mothering day I was all about home school but if you caught me on a bad day I was sending them back to school
Finally a few weeks ago it just felt like it was time to make a decision....to take the plunge into the unknown and go for it. So I am homeschooling. There I said it.
I am making a decision to draw the line in the sand. I am going to take the jump. Laugh at the unknown and the challenges along the way. And maybe even have fun....
I am still not sure about sky diving though.

a little kiss from heaven...

2011-08-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

~a sea of sunflowers at sunset on an evening drive~

time out

2011-08-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

I put myself on a " time-out" today. I have heard of other mothers doing this and if ever I needed one it was today. Coming off of a week of helping out with vacation bible school I felt wiped out and irritated. But what happens when the children don't leave you alone on time out? More frustration.
My "time-out" finally came after dinner when I could do the dishes and sweep the floor in silence as Mark played with the kids outside. Sometimes this evening routine is a chore but tonight it felt like a welcomed respite. My broom and my thoughts working together.
Last night we watched the movie "Soul Surfer" and one line in particular jumped out. Paraphrased it went something like this "It is hard to look at things up close but only later after you step back can you get a better perspective". I feel like mothering is like that. When I am constantly in the throes of it I can easily lose perspective and focus on minuscule things that aren't important. But when given a chance to step back, even a few minutes of alone time, helps to clear my perspective.

I think I might put myself on time out more often...

HingeWork

2011-08-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

Mark started a new blog called HingeWork. A place for photography, coaching, and perspective.
It seems like these are things that keep coming back to him and passions he wants to pursue more. This blog is a first step in that direction. Check it out: http://www.hingwork.blogspot.com/.

just a little bit of life....

2011-08-03T05:39:00.000-07:00

Sarah's first ever friends party-she loved every minute of it!

Welcome to our newest neice Karolina Grace....Mark got to meet her and snap some pictures of her 12 hours after her birth!

Our garden is at its peak and has kept me busy the last two week as we picked, husked and froze 50-70 dozen ears of corn! I will be glad in February but for now I have had my fill of corn!

I love summer time for the fresh flower bouquets from the garden that adorn my table!

Tree of life-glad to be where we are.

We have been eating lots of fresh salsa from our garden. LOVE it!

Happy Wednesday!

splendor...

2011-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

"Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, will he not much more clothe you?" (matthew 7:29-30)

A reminder that God cares about the details of my life. From the zinnias and marigolds that grow in my garden to the bills that need paid to the lives of my children and our dreams for the future. He cares. I can cast my cares upon Him.

voices

2011-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

A little perspective from the sunday newspaper....

What voices am I going to choose to listen to today?

Glorious Morning

2011-07-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

(pictures of flowers from our garden)

Morning glories live for one day.
They uncurl early in the morning and by noon expand ten times their original size.
They are fragile and practically transparent.
Even in their tenderness they are brilliant.

There have been times that mornings have not been glorious.
Fear and dread and unresolved problems have wounded my tenderness and kept me from uncurling.
But not today.
I will wait for the sun and wait for the miracle. (author unknown)

I copied this off of a friends fridge. It spoke to me because I am NOT a morning person. Most mornings I would rather sit at a table by myself and drink my coffee in peace rather than embrace my four hungry children and welcome the day.
So mornings may not be my strong point but I do believe in miracles and God's ability to change our hearts. So like the morning glory I want to embrace each day...each morning. I want to offer my children a smile and hug rather than wish they had stayed in bed so I could enjoy a few more minutes of solitude.
Bring on the morning....

(i know since i wrote this i will be tested on these very words. it is an area I want to see growth in. in my eight years of mothering this has always been a bit of a struggle. even the days I get up early someone will wake up and interrupt my time which actually can make it feel worse than just staying in bed. So yeah eight years later i am still trying to make my mornings a bit more glorious....)

the gift of a life

2011-07-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Tommorow we celebrate six years of life for Sarah Elizabeth. I decided to post this today since tommorow we will be in the midst of partying! :)
Mark spent some time this week writing and reflecting on her birth and the perspective it brought to our lives and continues to bring....

As I reflect back on the anticipation and arrival of our second child I see the picture of Heather holding her daughter for the first time and tears fill my eyes. After the excitement that came with the birth of Moses came the pain of the tear and the reality of Heather going back to surgery instead of holding her son. Then came a long road to recovery – her being pushed around the city in a wheelchair and us as new parents spending a humiliating week on vacation with my family when she could hardly walk and Moses wouldn’t stop screaming. Those were some hard days in our marriage. As I write these words a song talking about being “marked by heaven” is playing from my iPhone. It is comforting now to hear those words as God confirms his hand. But, it did not feel like heaven was marking us at the time. So the joy of our first born was tempered by real pain and some hard times in our marriage. We learned a lot and she did her best to be strong when her second pregnancy reached it’s third trimester.

My wife is strong – in many different ways – but in a very old school way when it comes to child birth. No meds, no massages, no breathing techniques – she just goes somewhere inside and gets it done. I knew she was strong and I was as confident as I could be that our second delivery would be different, but I was still a bit apprehensive. Kind of like holding your breath when you watch one of your children do something in front of a crowd that you knew they had been practicing for a long time – I was hoping to see exactly what I saw. Sarah was born and Heather left out a sigh of relief. There was no tear, there were no issues. I announced that our baby was a little girl and as I watched Heather weep and reach out for her daughter we knew that Sarah Elizabeth Buckwalter had arrived. And we knew that God had our best in mind.

As I reflect on that memory that is the thing that sticks out to me the most. After months of trying to believe that it was going to be okay and trying to be strong and wanting to believe for her hearts desire – she got to hold her daughter and this time there was no rushing off to emergency surgery. There was no handing her child back because she was in too much pain to hold him- no – there was only the joy of holding and knowing that God is who he says he is and that he loves to give good gifts to his children.

This brought tears to my eyes and reminded me again that God knows our heart's desires and He is with us on every step of this journey! What made her birth extra special too was we had miscarried in between Moses and Sarah when I was 12 weeks along. That was October 9th. November 17th I took a pregnancy test... and it was postive! There was new life again! What a surprise and what a gift!

Happy Birthday Sarah Elizabeth...your life is a gift!

remind me...

2011-07-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

My teenage nephew, Judah, has been spending time with us this week. I picked him up yesterday at basketball camp and was surrounded by mothers who all appeared to be at least ten years older than me. I felt out of place and a bit uncomfortable for some reason. I felt like I was in unknown territory and I was. I suddenly realized I am not ready for that stage of life...although it is only five years away. It made me thankful for TODAY...even if "today" is not always easy.
I was recently talking to some older parents whose children in their late teens and early twenties have made some rough choices in life. All the sudden whether or not my kids can go play in the creek or whether someone peed their pants seems pretty small. I am thankful God leads us into parenting step by step but I do want to learn NOW some of this whole "letting go" thing. The older parents I talked to handled things with such love and grace and did not wear their kids decisions as their own...which impressed me. I think that is half the battle. When one of my children growls at a man in the grocery store or another kid throws a fit at church or yet another child of mine whines loudly through the aisles at Darrenkamps crying "You never let me get anything I want!".... I can tend to overreact because I want everyone around me to think I am a "good" mom and I have well behaved children who always listen and obey! HA!

So I am thankful for the stage I am in...and yet I know by the time that next stage comes I will be ready for it too. I remember watching my sister in law with her four kids and my one and wondering how in the world she does it but yet here I am... and all the noise and kids and toys that I remember at her house is now my house. So I am sure when the teenage years roll around I will be ready to embrace them and will also probably be running to Naomi for some advice because Judah is a great role model for his younger cousins!
So remind me of this while in the midst of potty training and tantrums and legos on the carpet and crumbs on the floor... that I am right where I am supposed to be. Freedom will come before I know it along with a whole new set of challenges...so I will enjoy the challenge of today!

These pictures were taken Sunday evening on our little excursion into Lancaster City to Carmen and David's ice cream shop and Binn's Park. Mark took hundreds of pictures that night so it was hard to narrow down just a few....but I picked these because I felt they represented my kids "TODAY" in this season of life and they made me smile!

"When your kids are little you pray that they would just fall asleep every night.

But when they are teengagers you pray that they would come home every night."

-quote from an older mom in the aisle at Kmart-

release...

2011-07-13T05:04:00.000-07:00

I was sitting there unaware that the thoughts rolling around in my head had translated into my hands clenched into a fist...

Mark leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Let it go".
I looked at him confused. How did he know what I was thinking about?
He had the camera in his hand and showed me the picture of my balled up fist.
"Just let it go" Mark said again.

In order to receive from the Lord we first have to empty our hands of fear, control, worry, bitterness and disappointment so we are open to receive the good things He wants to give us in return. The result is peace, love, hope, faith and trust.

I don't want to hold onto these things that cause me to tense up like a clenched fist. I want to come with open hands and an open heart....

" I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 11:19)

don't sweat the small stuff....

2011-07-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

I may be sweating it out in this old farmhouse but I am really trying hard not to sweat the small stuff this summer...

We have been looking for fun ways to stay cool like water balloon fights, pool parties, wading in the plastic baby pool, running through the sprinkler, eating popsicles and laying in the shade on the hammock...

As well as staying cool I am trying to learn to keep my cool as there are more fights and whining than I would like this summer....Just because they are fighting and it is hot and I am tired and still have not put away our clothes from vacation and want to hide out in my kitchen because it is the only spot I can stay cool...it is no excuse to lose my temper! I really want to rise above the circumstances and remain patient...you know really practice the whole love is patient, love is kind thing....
I laughed out loud on the beach as I was reading an article in a free magazine I had snatched from the library. In the article the author was talking about how her ideals of motherhood have not always come to be and she is learning to accept herself and the chaos that comes from motherhood. She wrote, "The world is one big blaring alarm clock going off in my ear, but I'm staring blankly at myself in the mirror. My hair is pulled back in a knot -not the carefree knot of a younger woman...but the perpetually frazzled looking knot of a 39 year old mother who spends her free minutes (what free minutes?) staring into the middle distance like a ghost, fantasizing about central air condinitioning."
Yes, that can be me somedays...thinking man, life would just be better if we had central air. But that is not my reality right now.....I want to learn to not sweat the small stuff....even if I am sweating.....HA~

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. (um...even central air when the heat index is near 100)
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle, (even if it is hot and the children can't stop fighting)
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

(1 corninthinas 13 in the Message)

Have a great day and stay COOL....

the sea shore....

2011-07-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

We had a great time on our vacation to Ocean City, New Jersey. A highlight was that Mark's twin brother and his family came along with us! Another highlight was our good friends Ryan and Denise coming to visit for 24 hours! It was a great time of relaxing, late night talks, laughter, a few tears, lots of food, sunshine, surf and sand! It was a week full of family bike rides, reading, sitting on the beach, and sharing our hearts with one another.
I spent some time yesterday reflecting on our time away and looking at the pictures. Mark took well over one thosuand images of our time together! If one picture is worth a thousand words than a thousand pictures could write a book.... So here is the abridged version of our VACATION:

I am always amazed at how the Lord uses these times away in our lives. It makes me want to steal away from everyday life more. It is amazing the perspective you can get when you are not day in and day out in the daily grind of life....

"And I'll pour my tears in the ocean.

And I'll leave my pain by the shore.

With your mightly wave yous sweep them away till they are no more."

-Sarah Reeves

"We go to the coast for perspective. The petty details are left behind and in the vast scope of the ocean we rediscover what's truly important. The moist wind whips the dust and cobwebs out of my mind and leaves behind only waht's strong and solid."

-Dorcus Smucker

LIFE... after vacation.

2011-07-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

The suitcases still sit bulging and waiting to be unpacked. The cooler rests on the back step emptied of its contents. The garden is overflowing with veggies and flowers to be picked.
But I am still on vacation time. I feel full. I love the perspective a get away can bring to my heart and to my mind. And looking back on the pictures I can even see more clearly the blessing this past week was.....
We are off to visit my newest little neice, Piper Erin, and then to a fourth of july party....more pictures to come....

It is for freedom that He has come to set us free! Happy Fourth of July!

True Confessions of a Prophets Wife: A Father's Day Tribute

2011-06-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

In my search for perspective this week my eye caught an old pink journal on the bookshelf. I always enjoy looking back on what I wrote. Sometimes it can be frustrating to see myself still struggling with the same old issues but other times it is so encouraging to see how the Lord worked through my life in hindsight. And sometimes the words I wrote years ago come back to drill me today.
I opened to a page from July 30, 2007. We had just moved from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to New Bern, North Carolina. A total journey of faith that pushed me beyond my comfort zone and caused me to cling tighter to the Lord and trust my husband deeper.
Here's what I read,

"If I were to write a book it would be entitled, "True confessions of a prophet's wife".
To be married to a prophet is like a rollercoaster ride. While you are on it you want to get off yet you know life would be pretty boring if you didn't get to hang upside down once and awhile or go sideways with the wind flying in your face. There are many times I want to just jump ship because I am afraid I might lose my lunch or lose my mind yet I know I would not be satisfied sitting on the sidelines however peaceful that might look.
Sometimes the very things I love about him are the very things I hate yet in the end I wouldn't want it any other way. I love his passion and his sense of adventure... except when I don't. I love his focus and drive... except when they are not focused on me. I love that He loves the Lord and is obedient... except when that obedience costs me something.
But are those really his faults...or my own? Are the things that I despise in him only there because they expose the very things I despise in me? If this is true how much more do I need him, do I need the ride with all its twists and turns, do I need the passion and the risks with all the sacrifice and costs.
For on this ride I am finding and losing myself and I need the prophet to be the woman I am called to be."

Mark,

This is a belated Father's Day tribute to you, the prophet, my husband and the father of our children. I am blessed to be your wife and you do make me a better woman. Thanks for being who you are. I am with you on this ride through whatever twists and turns it takes.

love you like crazy, Heather

Quote of the day.

2011-06-23T04:41:00.000-07:00

From the back of the van yesterday came this conversation:

Moses: "Mom I know how BIG God is!"
Mom: "Really?"
Moses: "Yeah, you know the song "He's got the whole world in His hands". Well if the world is as big as his hands I took my hands and it takes 17 hands to cover my body so God is 17 times our world..."

Wow. Child like faith mixed with second grade math. Made me smile.

Perspective in Aisle 10

2011-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Perspective. I know that I keep talking about it. But maybe one of these days I will get it...truly see things for how they are. I need to keep reminding myself of my need for perspective because my view can so easily be thrown off by temper tantrums, fighting, a dirty sticky old kitchen with dishes to be done, or a carpet that needs to be vacuumed yet again. But that is not true perspective.
I was at the grocery store with the four children yesterday which alone is always somewhat of an adventure. I had Hope in a big car cart and then the three others toddling behind me like a train with little carts. I guess we made quite the sight because people kept stopping me to say, "My don't you have your hands full" and "You've got a lot of little helpers today!". Yes, Yes. I say. Got to keep moving before little hands are tempted to touch anything. I am talking to them the whole time as we walk. "Please don't run into me with the cart". "Please get to the side so you don't run over that nice lady" (who turned out to be going blind and could not see the kids anyways)."Please do not play bumper carts or you will lose your cart".
Anyways you get the picture, we were making our way through the story when a woman in her 40's with a teenage son stopped me in the yogurt section just as was about to lose my cool after almost having my heels nipped by a little cart for the tenth time.
"I just wanted to say what a great job you are doing with these kids. The are doing so well with their carts.".
I laughed out loud. "Thanks I needed to hear that.."
We chatted for a few minutes and she went on to say that as crazy as it is now you will miss the little helpers in the grocery store. She said people used to tell her that but it was hard to believe, then she pointed to her teenage son who was calmly pushing her cart. "But they grow up and you do miss it."
Wow. Perspective.

I walked away with my head held a little higher and actually smiled as they raced their carts thru the freezer section. I quickly lost that perspective at lunchtime but got it again in the afternoon as I recalled the conversation in aisle 10.

Savor this time. Relish the chaos. Stop freaking out about stuff that is not important.....

keep your eyes on the road

2011-06-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have one of those moments when the words that come out of your mouth come right back around to you? Lately it seems to be happening a lot. Like when yelling "Stop yelling" to the children or encouraging my daughter to stop whining in a high pitch whiny voice....
So today while driving to BB''s, the amish discount grocery store, I was deep in thought. I was thinking about the book I just read by Mary Beth Chapman, called "Choosing to SEE", which was her life story along with the story of losing her five year old daughter. Talk about a tear jerker. So I was thinking about her story and hoping that something like that would never happen and then thinking back to some hard things we went through when my thoughts were interrupted by Hope screaming from the back seat, "mommy look at me". I turned around to see her showing me a small cut on her finger. I turned back around but she was still fussing. "Hope, I can't look back and keep my eyes on where I am going."
And as soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth they almost seemed to echo in my own ears. As if the Lord himself were speaking the same thing to me. I can't look back. I can only look forward to the good things the Lord has for me, for us. I can't park on fear, worry or the what-if's. I can't dwell on the could have beens or should haves. I can only look forward.

Such a seemingly small conversation with a two year old blondie with pig tails spoke volumes to my heart.

beautiful lancaster county

2011-06-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

Mark took this picture while driving thru lancaster county on sales calls. He got a new iphone and is having fun with the camera and some of the cool editing features. I love seeing his passion for photography and creativity come to life. It is always a good sign.

our homestead

2011-06-15T04:49:00.000-07:00

We dream of a homestead. A place to own and put our roots down deep. A place to raise our children. A homestead where writing, photography and businesses would flow. A place where we could have a bed and breakfast....
But in the meantime this is our homestead. Our little corner of the world where we rent a big ol' farmhouse and raise our children. How do you dream for the future and yet walk in contentment with where you are RIGHT now. Sometimes it feels there is tension in the proccess.
The other night we were all working in our HUGE garden (think 12 one hundred foot rows) and I looked up to see my family working the ground TOGETHER and I could not help but smile ear to ear and was reminded of how good life is NOW. And just when I thought that I looked up and saw two deer in the meadow. It was beautiful like something surreal out of a movie, with huge pillowly clouds as the backdrop. It seems some of the tension is relived when I embrace fully where I am at so I can recieve whatever is coming in the future.
So here are some pictures of Blossom View Farm, our today homestead.

As for God, his way is perfect:

The LORD’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way. (psalm 18)

thru the looking glass...

2011-06-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

our little hope

2011-06-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

What a joy to mother this little girl. Her name Hope Ireland, literally means "Vibrant Hope" and she is full of it. She has a personality all her own and she keeps me quessing and laughing. The last two weeks have been huge for her as she has started potty training and sleeping in a big girl bed...none of which was initiated by me. She started wanting to be changed every time she went and asking to go on the potty and she started climbing out of her crib. I was dragging my feet on both but decided to go for it and she is doing pretty well. She loves being big. She keeps walking around saying she is four. She has an opinion on how her hair is combed and the past week she wants "ig-tals mommy" everyday. Too cute.

We love you Hope!

snapshots of summer

2011-06-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

summer is here.

2011-06-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

So summer is officially here, at least in my book as school ended yesterday. The start has been a bit shaky with lots of fighting and melt downs (some of my own as well). Part of it might be the scorching heat that makes it feel like 110 outside and maybe 90 inside our farmhouse. Yikes.
Tuesday the kids and i went strawberry picking and have since made freezer jam and had strawberries and icecream every single night! I'd like to think that any extra weight I may have gained from eating iceream every night has been lost as I sweat it out with no air conditioned....
Here's to fresh strawberries, iceream and the start of summer....

adoption.

2011-06-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

We met our good friends Jason & Betsey two years ago and there was an instant connection. They have four boys and have moved almost as many times as we have. We can share our hearts and laugh together. We hung out with them on Saturday and their two oldest boys fell in love with our kittens. Sunday they came back to take them home. They were so excited....and they ended up taking three of the four! It was a blessing for everyone.... Just like our friendship...

when I grow up...

2011-06-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

Moses came home with a paper he wrote at school. The assignment was to write about when he grows up...here is what he wrote:

"My cousins Noah, Kaden, Judah, Ezra and I are going to make a humongous house when we have enough money. To earn money my cousin Noah will probably be a football player. I will probably work with my dad to earn money. After that we will start to build the foundation and we are going to have a giant deck. We are going to have a grown-ups only room, cousins room, guest room, a lego room, a building room, and lots of other rooms. The lego, cousins, and building rooms will probably be the funnest rooms of them all.

We are going to have a hot tub on our giant deck and we are going to have a pool and a tree house. When I grow up I want to be a builder because you make money, build the foundation and build rooms."

Moses Buckwalter, age 7

So I think he might have gotten a few of these ideas last summer when him and his cousin Noah drew house plans for the fore mentioned "humongous house" they are planning to build. Can't wait to see what each one of these boys end up doing?!!! I know there is a calling and destiny on each of their lives to impact the world...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. (jeremiah 29:11)

a cat named baby

2011-06-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

So our mama cat had four little kittens, who we are currently in need of homes by the way. But in the meantime Hope and Sarah have become quite fond of a little kitten they call Baby and that is not only his name but also how they treat him. They hold him, rock him, give him baby bottles, wrap him in blankets, and read stories to him. It is all quite hilarious but even more crazy is that the Baby lets them. He goes limp in their arms like a baby doll as he is carried, jostled and hung upside down. Meet "baby"...

If anyone is interested in a kitten here are the pictures of the others...we have two identical black and white ones and a gray one with blue eyes. All cute and friendly...we just got too many cats. I didn't even want any cats at all and now we have six. Way too many...so these little cuties are free to a good home!

Have a great day!

Dear Secret Admirer...

2011-06-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

We got home late Sunday night from the beach and Monday morning the kids found a bag sitting on our porch. In it was a shirt for each kid, a cool hat for mommy, and turkey hill gift card for Daddy....with no note except "Enjoy and God Bless". The shirts were perfect and the crazy thing is the kids were needing some new stuff for summer. Sarah said excitedly "Mom, we have a secret admirer". Yes, we do and we also have a heavenly Father who loves us and know our needs. It was a reminder that His heart is on us. So....

Dear Secret Admirer,
THANK YOU. We were so blessed!
love, the Buckwalters

"For I know if His eye is on the sparrow,

Then His heart is on me."

-Jake Hamilton

our weekend.

2011-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

So we had no plans for Memorial Day weekend. We knew we wanted to have some family time...to make some memories and spend some time just being together. We talked about camping or going to the beach....we decided to do both.

Sometimes times like these are just what you need.

Our "campsite". We talked about camping at a campground but we have one of the best camp sites right in our back yard. You can't even see the house from the site and it is surrounded by trees so you feel like you are in your own little world. There are no other campers around so you don't have to worry about kids screaming or playing your country music too loud. Perfect.
We had a great time roasting hot dogs, making smores and creating memories.
I did not sleep great at all in the tent and kept threatening to go inside but i had to keep telling myself it was for the kids...and they loved it!

So Friday night we had our camp out and we woke up Saturday morning bleary eyed and smelling smokey. Daddy cooked eggs over the fire and we had our breakfast outdoors. We then loaded up our bikes and headed to Silver Mine Park's walking/biking trail for a family bike ride and picnic. In the afternoon everyone took a nap...can't get much better than that!

Sunday morning the kids woke us up at six and we packed our van and headed to Ocean City, New Jersey for a day at the beach! The weather was perfect....sunny with huge puffy clouds, a nice breeze blowing yet warm enough to play in the water! Hopey loved running in and out of the ocean chasing the waves. After hours on the beach we cleaned up at my Grandparent's beach house and went on the boardwalk for some pizza. By the time we were loaded up back in the van everyone was exhausted. All four kids were asleep before we even left Ocean City! But it was such a great day...it makes me excited for our week there in a month!

On Memorial Day we spent the morning relaxing and then went to a picnic at my parents house followed by a long drive through the country and iceream for dinner. A perfect ending to a great weekend.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family. ~Thomas Jefferson

saturday.

2011-05-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are for family time....

It feels like the past two weeks have been busy with late nights working, family gatherings, yard sale, and other stuff. All good stuff but it felt like we needed a day to just be family.

So Saturday we did just that. The kids woke up with the sun and we headed to our favorite Saturday morning destination...Central Market. We have our regular standholders we chat with and we let the kids pick out whatever donut they want. M&M glazed donuts for breakfast? Sure.

After market Mark humored me and stopped at some yard sales! And I was convinced again that shopping is much better than hosting...

We then headed to the" world's largest chicken barbecue" and spent some time playing at the park and just enjoying the sunshine after a week of rain!

For dinner we had a campfire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows on sticks while listening to old country music on the radio.

We ended the evening with a "date night" around the kitchen table eating nachos like old times in Emerald Isle and dreaming about the future....

I love Saturdays.

after the rain

2011-05-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life the path does not always appear to be clear...

there is pain and hurt and confusion and sometimes it is hard to know what the Lord is saying.

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.God takes the time to do everything right—everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones. Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he'll answer" (isaiah 30:18-30 the message)

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left you will hear a voice saying...This the road. Follow it" (isaiah 20:21)

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (psalm 16:11)

learning curve.

2011-05-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Sarah and I were sitting at the table finishing up lunch. Sarah always curious asked me a question about something we saw at the grocery store. Seeing this as a "teachable moment" I dove into an explanation and ended with the question, "Do you think God is more worried about how they look or is He more worried about what is in their hearts?".
Sarah looked at me and said matter of factly, "Mom, God is not worried about anything."
I was appalled. She was right. God is NOT worried. He is not afraid of our mess ups. He is not uptight, controlling or fearful....
It ended up being a teachable moment after all, it's just that I was the one learning.

I want to be set free of this religious mindset that holds me captive from being able to see God how He truly is....

tea party

2011-05-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

During this rainy week we have been forced to play indoors so Sarah planned a tea party....

Baby was invited....

teacups of water and Car shaped pretzels were served...

and a grand time was had by all.

this is the day the Lord has made.

2011-05-18T05:08:00.000-07:00

Thank God because he's good, because his love never quits.
Tell the world, Israel,
"His love never quits."
And you, clan of Aaron, tell the world,
"His love never quits."

And you who fear God, join in,
"His love never quits."

This is the very day God acted—
let's celebrate and be festive!
Salvation now, God. Salvation now!
Oh yes, God—a free and full life!

You're my God, and I thank you.
O my God, I lift high your praise.
Thank God—he's so good. His love never quits!

(psalm 118 the Message)

singing in the rain.

2011-05-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

i survived...

2011-05-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

two and half hours in the Firestone car repair shop with three small children without any major incidence or meltdown! Unlike last time when Hope grabbed some wires and pulled the whole computer screen off the counter and onto the floor.... thankfully the computer and my pride survived that time too. :)

yard sale

2011-05-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

    i love a good yard sale. i love the thrill of the hunt. finding something for nothing. seeing how much I can buy for a mere $10. i love it. i love spring and summer for the abundance of yard sales that can be found here in good ol' lancaster county.
    so i thought since i love yard saling so much i would help my mom as well as get rid of some of my stuff and have a yard sale this year. it was a lot of hard work and at the end i made a whopping $36...true it was rainy, i gave stuff away, and priced items low... but i kind of was left thinking is it worth it? when i loaded almost everything i brought back into the minivan i really had to wonder.
    after donating the leftover stuff i am now five trash bags fewer in clothes and a few boxes less in knicknacks and toys which does feel good. memories were made and the kids loved the whole experience. so it was good....but i think i will stick to the thrill of the hunt. much less work and more fun!

How many...

2011-05-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

cousins (or second cousins) can you fit into one wagon? in this case eight. we had a great time last saturday at a shank family get together...fun times. good food. memories made. we left tired but refreshed and encouraged. thank you God for family....

I want to remember....

2011-05-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

one brown haired beauty and one little blondie riding in the stroller together on a spring afternoon....

Thoughts on Motherhood.

2011-05-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

This is my eighth Mother's day and I was greeted by a 10 foot handmade banner, cards written in kindergarten letters, a beautiful hanging flower basket, and lots of hugs and kisses. I was recently thinking back to my first Mother's Day when I was pregnant with Moses. We were on our way to church and Mark gave me a card and wished me "happy mother's day". For some reason I was caught off guard and I just lost it and began to bawl my eyes out. I was about 7 months pregnant and only about 9 months married and the realization of what I was about to embark on hit me. I did not feel ready or prepared for this mothering thing. I still have days like that, or lots of days like that. Each new age brings different challenges I have never faced before and even though this is my fourth time living with a two year old I am still dealing with new things like Hope throwing major crying fits that are several minutes long and then turning to me sweetly and saying "I done crying now Mommy". What!!!! (she has done this 3 times in the last two days...)

On Easter Sunday I had the chance to share at church about "Buried He carried my sins far away" taken from the song "Glorious Day". I shared how I used to think I was a pretty good person. I knew Jesus died for my sins but I honestly did not think I had that much to be forgiven of. Then I got married... and realized that they was a lot of selfishness, pride and stubbornness inside of me. And then I had kids. Enough said. The pendulum swung and I now have a hard time not beating myself up because I mess up every single day. But I am realizing that there is grace and I need to receive it for myself so I can extend it to my children and others around me. When I am tense and have way too high expectations it seems that is when my children act out the worst. Jesus carried my sins far away, as far as the east is from the west. I want to walk in the freedom and mercy that is there for me as a mother, every. single. day.

My 21 year old sister called me on Mother's Day to ask me a question and as we were hanging up she said "Oh I forgot to say Happy Mother's Day. I almost forgot you were a mom". I laughed and said "Well i can't forget". And maybe some days I think I would like to forget... on those crazy shopping trips where I think my blood pressure is going to explode by the time the groceries are loaded in the car, or those days when no one can seem to get along, or the endless pile of dishes and laundry that never go away. But I don't really want to forget. Because the rewards far out weigh the sacrifice and I know this is what I was created to do. (Crazy! As if on cue as I was writing those very words Silas comes running in with a huge grin and a bouquet of lily of the valley in his little hand. "Here Mom I picked these for you". )

I am reminded just now of something an older father said to us a few months ago. We were at their house having dinner. They have four grown children and are now having grandchildren. He looked at us and our four children who were bouncing around in their living room and said to us "Wow you are in some of the best years of your life". Really?! His words struck me because I don't always see it that way. But I do not want to forget these days....I want to enjoy these days of mothering and look back and remember them as some of the best years of my life.

farm kids

2011-05-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

So Saturday afternoon a burst of energy came over me and I decided to takle the flower beds. Mark agreed to go get a pick up load of mulch and we ended up spending the rest of the day weeding and mulching. The kids wanted to be right in there with us helping. They loved riding in the back of Grandpa's truck and scooping out the mulch. It was great family time and I was impressed the kids stuck with the job till it was done. They were completly covered from head to toe in dirt and then protested when I said they needed baths! We ended the evening with a drive to get some icecream. I love my little farm kids...

This picture is so my children right now...Hope protesting because she wants to be in front. Silas sporting purple "work gloves", Sarah showing off for the camera and Moses just being himself.

egg hunt...

2011-05-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was the annual Easter egg hunt at Grandma Bucks. Always a highlight. Always great places to hide the eggs. And always fun times with the many cousins. Here is a tiny snapshot of our day...

Mommy & Daddy

2011-04-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

These pictures were taken by a great photographer we know. He did an awesome job capturing the love that Mark and I share. We felt free just to be ourselves probably because he is our seven year old son. Great job with the photography Moses. We love you!

Photo Shoot

2011-04-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon was supposed to be rainy and overcast but the sun broke through the clouds and the day ended beautiful! It reminded me of the grave clothes been taken off and new life coming forth. There is something about sunshine that makes my spirit feel like singing! I had been wanting to take some Easter pictures and we decided to take them Saturday instead of in the midst of the Sunday morning craziness. I always have these high expectations of how I think the pictures are going to turn out and somehow they never turn out how I expect but we usually still get some good shots. I guess that is kind of like life sometimes...not always what I expect but still good and sometimes even better than I could have imagined...
Here is a little glimpse of our "photo shoot"...

The girls were not so much into the whole photo thing. Sarah would have rather been running through the meadow and Hope screamed every time I tried to take the bag of animal crackers from her so you will see her holding that bag tightly in her little hand in every picture!

Again...not so much into taking pictures...Moses stepped on her toe and Sarah is kissing it...

Happy Easter....

Oh Glorious Day...

2011-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Phillies.

2011-04-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

Mark and I had such a great time on our date to Philadelphia. Getting there was half the fun as we stopped along the way for a bite to eat and did a little shopping. Mark indulged me and stopped at Anthropologie outside of Philly. Although I did not buy anything it was fun to look around!

It was so good to talk and laugh, listen to music as we drove along, spend time together and just be in love...

So the game was sold out but somehow I managed to get tickets only a week before the game. We were in the nose bleed section but we still had fun. This was our view of the field.

We did however have a great view of the city and an awesome view of the sun setting over the park...

Such a good time. It was my first Phillies game ever which Mark found amusing. I am not a huge baseball fan and missed several plays because I was too busy people watching! It was freezing cold and windy and Mark and I were bundled up with long underwear and coats and blankets and hats but a lot of people were just wearing sweat shirts. The little boy next to me was just wearing a thin sweat shirt and before the game even started his teeth were rattling. I ended up sharing my blanket and snuggling with him and his brother!
I felt refreshed the next morning as I slept in till 8:30 and was then served coffee and breakfast in bed (um..whose birthday was it?) ! I was actually excited to go get the kids from Mark's parents and it was a good feeling to miss them.

It is good to steal away sometimes....

It's Friday...

2011-04-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

and the sun is shining...

and the kids are off to Grandma's house for an overnight visit....

and Mommy & Daddy are headed to a Phillies game to celebrate 37 years of life...

Friday is here and life is good.

Happy Birthday Mark

2011-04-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Mark~
Happy 37 years to the man of my dreams. It is crazy to look back and see how much God knew what I needed in a husband. (surprise, surprise). I knew I was going to marry you and then fell in love after the ring was already on (and off again) but I wouldn't re-write the story any other way. Just the other Sunday when we were sharing our love story it hit me in a whole new way the path God had us on was really HIM!
I love the way we have been laughing so much more together. Even when I am trying to be uptight you don't let me because you are cracking a joke or imitating me till I see how ridicoulous I am being! I love how you love our children and how they adore you in return. I love seeing you share the Father's heart with those who come into your path. I love walking through life with you...
Happy Birthday Baby...
love,
Heather

Where memories are made...

2011-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

We have officially hit new territory in our marriage. We have lived over two years in the same house! That is reason to shout. After 8 houses in 8 years of marriage it truly is a milestone...

We feel blessed to call Blossom View our home for now. We love the wide open space the Lord has brought us into and the planting and settling He is doing in our hearts.

Yesterday was another milestone, well kind of, we had our first picnic of the year! It was so beautiful outside with tempartures reaching into the 80's. Time to throw off the shoes and...

Jump into the creek....

Honestly the creek is sometimes the last place I want to spend my time but the kids LOVE it and I am learning to love it too....Moses is really into building dams and changing the flow of the creek and Silas well he just loves to throw rocks and Hope & Sarah love to strip down and splash around. Squeals of pure joy could be heard coming from the meadow as the girls splashed each other and giggled.

This is the place where memories are made...

I'm not afraid anymore...

2011-04-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

    Sometimes I think about what our life would have looked like if we would not have lost the twins last October. Life with six kids would definitely have been crazy, awesome, full, and something I can only imagine at this point. The twins would have been due sometime at the end of March/beginning of April. Sometimes I still feel sad when I think of what could have been, other days I feel thankful for the family I currently have, and most of all I feel blessed for the Father's hand holding mine on the journey.
     A couple weeks ago the kids and I got to talking about life and death. My sister in law's mom has cancer as well as my grandmother and aunt so the word "cancer" has been floating around our house recently. Sarah had a lot of questions about cancer and specifically "if you have cancer will you die?" I started to talk with her about how God can heal people of cancer like he did a woman at our church but sometimes people aren't healed and we don't always understand, just like we lost the twins and don't always understand why.
     Silas piped up in the conversation, "But Jesus is taking care of the twins in heaven, right Mom?". My heart overflowed. "Yes Silas, the twins are in heaven with Jesus and someday we will get to see them and play with them in heaven too. Won't that be cool..."
    "Is that true we can play with the twins in heaven?" Sarah asked. I could almost see the wheels in her head spinning. " Wow, I used to be afraid of dying but now I am not afraid anymore."
    I stood there in my kitchen tears rolling down my face, "now I'm not afraid anymore" still echoing in my ears and the simplicity of child like faith leaving an impression on my heart. I too deal with fear about dying or bad things happening. But I can trust the Father that even if bad things do happen He will be there and someday I will get to hold my babies and play with them and there is only good things waiting ahead. And I can walk in freedom from fear today.
     Yes, I don't want to be afraid anymore either.

"Jesus and the twins"-The framed picture that sits on my dresser that was given to me after we lost the twins. A reminder that Jesus is fathering them and me too along this journey.

Mud Sale

2011-04-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

This morning after a pancake breakfast we decided to check out the mud sale at Rawlinsville Fire Company. As advertised there was mud. Heather enjoyed the antique sale while the kids and I played in the mud and had fun watching our Amish neighbors play volleyball. This was a true Southern End cultural experience. I am sure my Pappy Shank would have been proud. Mud, Amish, horses, mud, farm equipment, pulled pork, mud, french fries, amish, mud, antiques, auctioneers, amish, mud, cigar smoke, valley road speeders, mud. There was a lot to see. It is the first time I have used my camera this much in a long time. I had fun - but I felt like I could have captured thousands more images - there were so many unique sights along the way. Here are a few of my favorites.

the soundtrack of life...

2011-04-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

If there was a soundtrack with these pictures it would be the sound of pure joy! When these two get together it can turn into some serious giggling.

One of life's simple joys...wheelbarrow rides

If this picture had a soundtrack it would be the sound of motorcycle noises coming from a four year old boy's mouth as he happily pedals along...

Just like Dad...Moses all geared up riding his "motorcycle". Notice the boots, goggles, i-pod with ear buds (an old one that went thru the wash), and the extra gear strapped to the back of the bike with bungee cords! Makes my heart smile.

Happy Wednesday...

Amazing.

2011-04-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

When I first wrote the previous post the sky was as gray as my mood. Somehow writing out my thoughts helped to lift my spirit and I started to feel a little better. I turned on some worship music, loud, and was feeling even lighter. Then I looked out the window and literally saw sunshine breaking though the clouds as if a love note from God saying, "Brighter days are coming."
Amazing.

cloudy with a chance of irritablity...

2011-04-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

I find I have weeks where I am inspired to be a better mom and feel like there is purpose in my days and then there are weeks where I feel nothing of the sort. This has been one of those "off" weeks. I feel like my mood has mirrored the weather outside my window...gray and drab. There is nothing really wrong it just feels like I am having trouble seeing purpose in what I am putting my hands too. Plus the kids seem extra fussy and whiny this week. So now I am too.
So I am working on changing my attitude and perspective today. For when I stop and hear God's perspective I can find strength I did not know I had and grace I thought I had exhausted.
"Come apart or come apart...". So true.

"So I fix my eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:18)

So here is to sunnier, warmer and brighter days ahead and listening to God's weather report on my days not what I can see with my own eyes...