holding tight to love.

 When I wrote the anniversary blog post a few days ago I was feeling very lovey dovey. Life was good and I was declaring our love. A few short hours later, after the post school craziness and the dinnertime madness, I wasn't feeling a lot of warm fuzzies... particularly towards this man.

After some heated moments Mark joked and asked me if I wanted to rewrite my blog post. I didn't find it as humorous as he did. The truth is I often get tested on the words I write. I was declaring our love for one another and hours later I find myself on the other side of the couch glaring at him wondering where those glowing words were because all I felt was disappointment.

What changed?

Expectations.

I feel like a lot of our fights and frustrations stem from the expectations we carry for each other. These pictures were taken from our vacation this summer where we kept finding ourselves stumbling into arguments about the stupidest things. Halfway through the week we both recognized the expectations we had for each other and were able to apologize and have a great week. But it wasn't after some messy frustrating moments.

We both have high expectations in life and for each other and it is learning to give each other and ourselves grace and lots of it. And also communicating with each other what is going on. That is huge. 

Sometimes we stumble and fight and put expectations on each other. 

And sometimes my chest feels like it could burst with the love I have for this man.

Some days it feels like a roller coaster with all the emotions...

But I think that is love.

And I am glad to be on the ride with him.  

I am holding tight to love.

twelve years.

"A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."

 Last Sunday marked twelve years of marriage...

Twelve years since I donned a dress and veil and walked down the aisle as a bride. Twelve years of saying "I do" over and over. Twelve years of being this guy's girl. Twelve years of love.

 It's been a crazy twelve years with lots of twists and turns. But I am learning all good stories read that way. And I believe we are writing a good story.

 It's far from perfect but that's kind of what makes it good. Like this picture that Sarah is photo bombing. It is not perfect but oh so real life.

 It's crazy how I love this man more and more every year. The struggles and triumphs over the last decade have tested our love and have made it stronger. I really cannot imagine any one else I would want to do life with or raise these crazy kids with.

 Our anniversary fell on a weekend that Mark had double header weddings which didn't leave much time for celebrating. Sunday morning Mark had a few hours before he had to leave for his second wedding. We drank coffee on the porch and looked through old photo albums laughing at how much we looked like babies on our wedding day (we must be getting old!) We talked about how much life has changed and hopes for the future.

As we looked through the pictures I had the random idea to put on my dress, which just hangs in my closet, and take some pictures with the kids. The result is messy, chaotic pictures of just that... me in my wedding dress with the kids. It's not pinterest worthy but real life and perhaps a new tradition.

Everyone was doing everything but looking at the camera and smiling. But this might be one of my favorites.

Dressed in white twelve years ago I would have never imagined all of this. Some days it feels crazy but recently I was reminded that this is exactly what I had hoped for. I was talking to some one about what they wanted to be when they grew up. I stopped to answer the question for myself and already knew the answer. I had some fleeting career aspirations like being a teacher and artist or writer but I always wanted to be a mom and wife. Sometimes in the craziness I can forgot that I am exactly where I always wanted to be and for that I am grateful.

Twelve years, 9 moves, 5 kids, 5 babies in heaven and lots of other twists and turns have added some wrinkles and stretch marks along with some character, wisdom and beauty too. I am continuing to learn to give myself grace and not be my own worst critic.

And these might be my favorites of my Hopey girl wearing my veil and a toothless grin. Oh my can't even imagine this girl walking down the aisle....

 We did eventually get to do a little celebrating with a motorcycle ride through Chester county and an evening out. I like being this guy's date! 

Happy Anniversary Mark! Here's to our perfectly imperfect lives and the love we have for each other. I pray we can celebrate many more years together until we are old and gray! :)

 "Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another."

~Jane Austen