I'm not afraid anymore...

    Sometimes I think about what our life would have looked like if we would not have lost the twins last October. Life with six kids would definitely have been crazy, awesome, full, and something I can only imagine at this point. The twins would have been due sometime at the end of March/beginning of April. Sometimes I still feel sad when I think of what could have been, other days I feel thankful for the family I currently have, and most of all I feel blessed for the Father's hand holding mine on the journey.
     A couple weeks ago the kids and I got to talking about life and death. My sister in law's mom has cancer as well as my grandmother and aunt so the word "cancer" has been floating around our house recently. Sarah had a lot of questions about cancer and specifically "if you have cancer will you die?" I started to talk with her about how God can heal people of cancer like he did a woman at our church but sometimes people aren't healed and we don't always understand, just like we lost the twins and don't always understand why.  
     Silas piped up in the conversation, "But Jesus is taking care of the twins in heaven, right Mom?". My heart overflowed. "Yes Silas, the twins are in heaven with Jesus and someday we will get to see them and play with them in heaven too. Won't that be cool..."
    "Is that true we can play with the twins in heaven?" Sarah asked. I could almost see the wheels in her head spinning. " Wow, I used to be afraid of dying but now I am not afraid anymore."
    I stood there in my kitchen tears rolling down my face, "now I'm not afraid anymore" still echoing in my ears and the simplicity of child like faith leaving an impression on my heart. I too deal with fear about dying or bad things happening. But I can trust the Father that even if bad things do happen He will be there and someday I will get to hold my babies and play with them and there is only good things waiting ahead. And I can walk in freedom from fear today.  
     Yes, I don't want to be afraid anymore either.




"Jesus and the twins"-The framed picture that sits on my dresser that was given to me after we lost the twins. A reminder that Jesus is fathering them and me too along this journey.