"...If there is anything (mothering) will teach you, is that there is no room to take yourself seriously. Like trying to strike "cool" poses on a rug that someone is continually pulling out from under you, self-seriousness in mothering is totally pointless and probably painful..."

-Rachel Jankovic

I woke up sore all over this morning. Why? Because yesterday I totally slipped on the sidewalk outside the front entrance of Silas's preschool. Totally fell hard and slid across the sidewalk right by the glass doors where everyone was dropping off their kids. Smooth. It hurt bad. Both my body and my pride.

This morning I was thinking back to some of my "great falls". I have some classics. I have this knack for falling and tripping. And although at the time it may be painful it has provided me with some laughter over the years. I can take myself way too seriously but this morning I was reminded that it is good to laugh...even at myself.

Here is a little snapshot of some of my historic falls:

-I fell on the bowling alley in high school on one of my first dates. Totally wiped out on the alley on my back.
-I stepped out of the historic claw foot tub on our honey moon and completely slipped. Mark heard me wipe out but was polite enough to spare me the embarrassment of coming in and finding me sprawled naked out on the floor....yes very romantic
-I had two falls on our honeymoon. The for better or worse was tested right away as I was completely bruised by the end of our trip. I ran down this hill not realizing there was a stone ledge at the bottom. I jumped the wall and fell onto a stone beach that was very unforgiving on my body. A man was fishing in a boat out on the water. Later he saw us and casually said, "That last step is a doozy".
-I got out of the car at Old Navy and tripped while holding hot coffee and the coffee splattered all over the car next to us. Mark was mad but I could not stop laughing.
-There was numerous falls on the boardwalk the most memorable one being the time I was pregnant with Silas and carrying one year old Sarah and hot pizza and totally tripped sending pizza everywhere. My arm took the brunt of the fall and Sarah was fine but a whole crowd of people gathered around me. I wanted to die.
-Another pregnant fall happened when I was expecting Moses. I tripped on the sidewalk walking through the city and tried to catch myself. I kind of started half running trying to catch my balance and ending up slamming into a car and landing between the car and the curb. Mark was having a fit. Why where you running?, he questioned. I was trying to catch myself. I am sure it looked hilarious.

I am sure there are more but these are the ones that had me giggling to myself this morning. I have other embarrassing moments too that don't evolve falling but I will save them for another day....



exhale

I find myself holding my breath. Sometimes it is literally hard to breathe when the anxiousness sets in. I think "if I can just make it through the first trimester than I can breathe easy". But then what if something happens later on in the pregnancy. I hold my breath some more. But even if I deliver a healthy baby we are not guaranteed forever. How long am I going to hold my breath, waiting for the bad news or living afraid of what may come? Why don't I let go now. Exhale. Breathe deep. Trusting the One who holds the future. My holding my breath does not change a thing.
Exhale. Breathe. It's going to be okay

.

the gift of an ordinary day

   Today after lunch I was cleaning up the kitchen and Silas and Hope went outside to play. I didn't think about it till 10 minutes later when I realized it was very quiet. I ran outside and yelled for them. No answer. I searched the yard and they were no where to be found. I started to hurry out the lane yelling their names. No answer. At the corner of our 1/4 mile lane sat Silas and Hope's bikes but they were not with them. I started panicking and screaming their names. At this point I was seriously imagining someone had abducted them. Do I call 911?
 I ran back to the house and looked some more then decided to drive out the lane just in case they had walked out to the end. As I was driving and seriouly panicking I saw them at the end of the lane in the corn field playing. I lost it. It was only 10 minutes but my whole world was flashing before me. And maybe it was partly hormones raging but all I could do was hold those little bodies and cry.
   I think at times as I am sick and throwing up I can forget how blessed I really am...

I'm gonna give an extra hug or two today. Thanking the Lord for these little lives He has entrusted me with.

"It has taken me awhile but I certainly do know it now-the most wonderful gift I had, the gift i finally learned to cherish above all else was the gift of all those perfectly ordinary days."

-Katrina Kenison

mood lift

Blame it on the pregnancy. Blame it on spending most of the day yesterday on the couch. Or blame it on spending a majority of the past week or so in sweatpants with no makeup....Either way today I randomly walked into holiday hair (of all places) and got my hair chopped off. It was a total spur of the moment move. But I left $12 later feeling a little lighter. It was what I needed today.

This is my eighth time walking through a first trimester. My three miscarriages were all at 12-14 weeks so I was already mostly thru the first trimesters. You would think I would be a pro by now. But each time it is a battle. It is a battle physcially but also emotionally and spiritually. I struggle with depression and feel like I am in survival mode just to get through the day. I know this is just a season. I know it will not last forever. I know, I know. But when I am in the midst of it, it can be hard to keep perspective and vision on the goal....new life, a baby of promise. Today I felt some relief from the sickness and I am praising the Lord because the last few days were hard. I know I am not through yet but I am thankful for today. And I just need to take it day by day.... leaving my fears and worries at His feet.

Hope's Prayer

"Dear God thank you for Mommy and the baby in her belly. Help her to feel better and her not to throw up in the shower. Help her not to throw up in her mouth. AMEN! (very loudly)"  Hope, age 2

I was laying on the couch last night trying not to throw up when Hope decided to pray for me. I wish I could say I was instantly feeling better but her sweet prayer did bless my spirit and I woke up this morning feeling a little better. Thank you God for child like faith!

my family

Last night was meet the teacher night at school. For starting school a week late Moses and Sarah have done a great job making the transition. Sarah especially is loving her teacher and class and comes off the bus beaming every day. Moses also has a great teacher this year. While visiting his class this picture was hanging in the hall along with a lovely description of our family. He was especially proud of his Daddy and wrote several sentences about him. Mark is shown wearing his Quality Stone work shirt and I am wearing a shirt that says "love". Sometimes it is the things we don't know they notice that they pick up on the most. Sometimes the greatest lessons are the ones we don't preach.  

Have a happy weekend...

a year ago...

A year ago on September 21st I went into the doctor for my first prenatal appointment thinking I was about 13 weeks along in my pregnancy. After an exam and an ultrasound we discovered I was pregnant with twins but there were no heartbeats....we were crushed. Two surgeries later we were back to the question of whether we try again...

One week short of a year later I went to my first prenatal visit yesterday and again had an exam and an ultrasound. I was nervous and excited. I had Mark go with me because I wanted him to be there if it was good news or bad.

I thought I was further along but measurements showed me at only 6 weeks. A baby's heart only starts to beat around 6 weeks and at this stage is only about the size of a piece of rice. But when the nurse turned the sound on during the ultrasound we heard a steady heartbeat...there was life! It is crazy to me that we could hear the heartbeat of someone so small.



(there is a tiny arrow pointing to the baby)

We are excited to welcome number five and I feel like this whole journey so far has been about going back to places that have been hard or painful. I would be lying to say that I am not scared. But I know that this is a journey of trust and the Father is not going to leave me alone. The nauseausness and tiredness has also hit hard this week ...again a reminder that I need to lean on Him and let some more things go.

I welcome prayers for the pregnancy as we come to mind. We are praying for life and life to the full! Thanks for being with us on this journey...



Our love story....She says

Today we celebrate nine years of marriage. This is an abridged version of our love story in "she says, he says" form. I love how our story continues to be written....

 We first met in the spring of 2001. I was a junior in college trying to figure out where I was going in life. We met at a Tuesday Night Bible Study retreat where I had short spiky red hair which was one thing that Mark later said caught his eye.

From the very start there was something that attracted me to him. He had a passion for the Lord that provoked something inside of me every time I was around him. But I would not let my heart go there. If my roommates mentioned his name I would shrug it off, "What's the big deal about Mark Buckwalter, maybe I would be interested in someone like him but he probably wants some high maintenance blonde or something."

So I shut off my heart to anything to do with Mark Buckwalter.

In the meantime I was in my senior year of college and seeing Mark every week at Tuesday night bible study. My roommates and I also traveled on youth retreats with him to minister to the girls. During this time I began to get approached by several different guys about dating. I had not dated since high school but felt like a relationship might be coming. I really struggled to believe the Lord knew my heart's desire in terms of a man. I believed that I might have to settle for someone who I was not really attracted to or someone who I would have to lead spiritually.

 I will never forget the night he first told me he was interested in me. It was nine months after I had first met him. We were on our way home from a youth group retreat where we had been ministering and I was wearing my glasses, old grubby jeans and a worn sweatshirt. During the retreat the Lord had been speaking to me more about how He saw me and the ministry team had even spent time praying for my husband. As we were packing up to go Mark asked if he could talk to me. He told me for nine months he had been praying and asking the Lord if I was the one. He explained the whole journey and shared his heart. I just sat there dumbfounded. Something inside of me clicked yet I couldn't believe he was actually interested in me...

 We decided to take the next week and pray about our relationship. I drove home that night crying as I realized for the first time in a long time that the Lord really did have good things for me and maybe even my heart's desire. That night I fell asleep and woke up at 2:30 in the morning and felt the Lord saying to lay my hand on my hip and pray. Earlier in the weekend my hip had been hurting as we prayed for husband at the retreat. Now I laid my hand on  my hip and the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to my mind. I had been wrestling with who I was and what God had for me. And I felt these words spoken to my heart, "You have wrestled with God and with man and have overcome. I will change your name. You shall no longer be called Jacob but Israel with means struggled with God and overcome." One of the guys I had been wrestling with whether or not to be in a relationship with was named Jacob. The Lord was saying that Jacob was not  who I was called to but he was literally going to give me a new name...a new last name.

 Mark and I got together on a Friday afternoon and shared and prayed together. He too had a crazy God experience the exact night at the exact time I did. We were amazed at the hand of the Lord bringing us together.We had both prayed for a God love story but were blown away as we watched Him write it on our lives.
We prayed and took communion together on our first date and looked at each other and said, "You're going to be my husband, You're going to be my wife". Three weeks later we were officially engaged.

All this happened with out knowing really anything about each other. We had spent time ministering together at youth retreats but as far as practical details I didn't even know how old he was let alone if we liked the same kinds of things. We got engaged, fell in love and then become best friends. Maybe a bit backwards but it worked for us. I laugh now because the Lord so much knew what I needed in a husband. I just had to trust Him and lay down my ideal list which included someone 6ft tall, with curly hair who played guitar! I also had to trust that the Lord knew the desires of my heart. As we got to know each other I marveled at little details that lined up. I also got stretched in ways that I never imagined...
It has been a journey with twists and turns but I fall more in love with my passionate bald motorcycle riding
husband every year. He has become my best friend and the man I want to grow old with....

(Stay tuned for Mark's side of the story coming soon and thanks again to Regina at Radiant Images for the awesome pictures)

Another first...

 This morning Silas started preschool. He went right into the classroom like a pro. That is what happens when you are the third child. What also happens when you are the third child is that Mommy forgets to take your picture before school and you have to stage the first day picture after preschool! Oh well.

Silas loved preschool and loved having something that is his special thing. He loved his new CARS backpack and that it carried important papers he had to give me. He was also very proud of his new hairdo which is a mohawk just like his older cousins!

While Silas was at preschool I went shopping with just Hope. I actually missed Silas pushing the little cart and helping to unload the groceries! He is growing up so fast!

We love you buddy and pray that this year of preschool is a great time for you!

daddy's girls

 On Saturday morning while I was cleaning the house and making flower bouquets for a party we were hosting with 100-150 guests....Daddy was taking pictures of his little girls. They both love their Daddy and the camera. Can you tell? I love these two silly little girls...

little bride

 Well after mama's photo shoot last week in her wedding dress it seemed only fitting that Sarah get one in hers. This little wedding dress was found at Goodwill while Sarah was shopping with Grandma. Grandma said Sarah just glowed when she tried it on in the dressing room. She twirled and spinned and giggled and grinned. So Grandma bought it.
It is a little crazy to think about the day she will walk down the aisle for real. But for now she is still a little girl who loves to pretend, pick flowers and get her pictures taken by her daddy....

homeschool crash course

So I took a crash course in homeschooling. Crash meaning it was quick as in it is already over before it even began.
I was going to be doing cyber school with the kids this year. It "seemed" like it would be a good option because it would give me some structure but still the freedom of homeschooling. But last week after all the ciruculum and computers came I realized that this was not what I wanted to do and that cyber school was not all it was advertised to be. So after many tears, prayers, and debate Moses and Sarah are going back to school.
Do I feel like a failure? Yes, I have defintely wrestled with those thoughts. But honestly I more feel relief. I was ready to try my hand at homeschool but during our "practice" sessions I was becoming more and more anxious and really not excited about it anymore. I liked the idea of seeing my kids more and doing things outside of the four walls of a school building but I did not like how many expectations were upon me and how the younger two got pushed aside.
So I quit before I really started but I am okay with it. I learned a lot through the proccess and I think it has helped to make me a better mom. Just preparing for homeschool forced me to make some changes in our home and schedule.
In some ways it is hard to let Moses and Sarah go when I had been ready for them to be at home this year. But in saying no this year I am not completly ruling out homeshool. It is just not for this year.

When I started this journey and took the plunge this is not where I thought I would land but it is good and I am at peace.

celebrate

On September 14th Mark and I will be married nine years. To celebrate I had this idea of taking some pictures in my wedding dress. I spied the dress hanging in my closet this summer and on a whim tried it on and it fit! So we called up our good friend Regina who is a photographer and had her come out and take some pictures here at Blossom View. It was such a fun evening and Regina brought out parts of me that many don't see. I really had a lot of fun. We were much more relaxed than our wedding day and kissed more too! (we had our first kiss on our wedding day and let's just say it was slightly akward on my part!)
Anyways...
Check the pictures out at: http://www.radiantimages.blogspot.com/