don't give up...

The night I came home from my D and E surgery I could not sleep. My body was exhausted and half loopy from the anesthesia but my mind was racing and my spirit was wide awake. I tossed and turned, laying my hand across my empty abdomen. Empty. I thought of how I felt this before. Four times to be exact. I now have five kids in heaven. As many waiting for me there as I have here on earth. Whenever I thought of the babies I lost it was always a blurry picture of some far away children I didn't really know. Even though we had named each baby we lost they still felt far away.

As I laid in bed that night I saw a picture in my mind of my five children in heaven. I saw them clearly and I recognized that they were my children because they looked like MY kids. There was five of them lined up in various ages. They resembled their brothers and sister here on earth and had their same features.They were laughing and happy. I cried and rejoiced at the gift that this picture was to my heart. They were my children. They were healthy and whole. In that moment eternity seemed a bit closer.

We named this baby Benjamin. The verse that I had written and posted above the kitchen sink during the pregnancy was the blessing of Benjamin from Deuteronomy.

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest SECURE, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rest between His shoulders."

These were words I felt to claim over me and the baby. Beloved, Secure, Rest. These were what I longed for myself and this little one inside of me.

Since the miscarriage two different friends have given me the same word at two different times that Benjamin's life was not in vain. That he is impacting the world even in the short time he lived. 

I have yet to know what all that means. Maybe I will see the completeness of the word or only see bits and pieces. But it brings rest to my heart.

The second week of December Mark and I went away with the house church we are a part of. This is our fourth year going and it is always a highlight of our year. This year was no different. It was a time of great worship, ministry times, laughter and fellowship. During the one worship session Mark also saw a vision of our children in heaven. They were various ages and sizes and were gathered around Jesus. They were cheering him on shouting "Go, Daddy, Go!"

a close friend made this banner for me after the miscarriage. his banner over me is love...

These pictures and words are pieces of hope. Pictures of God's heart even in the midst of loss. Promises of His presence and restoration. So when weariness and discouragement set in, I picture my children from heaven calling out, "Go, Mommy, Go! Go Daddy Go! You can do it. Don't give up!"