delight.

"Birthing babies is like earthquake fault lines, ripping up the very earth under your feet. Babies tear the hard crust of existence open, allowing you to peer down into the secrets of being, what it means to be human.

Babies soften you, melt. One does not merely birth a baby in a delivery room-one has heart transplant surgery. You see life, all of it, every aspect of it as a MIRACLE. Life is holy..."

~Ann Voskamp~

 Little Eden is five days old...hard to believe. It has flown by in a flurry. Most of the flurry is around me as I am laying on the couch recovering, resting, and nursing, nursing, nursing. The kids have been doing well and I am so blessed by Mark, who took the week off of work to help me.  Eden continues to bring much joy to our hearts and babies really do put things into perspective. Yes, the house is a little more chaotic and you might need to dig through a mountain of wash to find a clean pair of underwear but we just witnessed the miracle of new life.  Sometimes I just sit and hold her and stare, amazed that this little life was inside me just a mere five days ago...

Honestly I feel like a new person since she has arrived. And I feel like I am doing better at just letting things go and enjoying the season because more than ever before I know how fast this time will fly by...

Eden Grace.

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears."

 On Monday evening at 11:14 p.m we welcomed Eden Grace into the world. She was perfect...and I was undone.
I just cried and cried. She was finally here. It had been a battle but the Lord had brought her forth and delivered me from my fears.
Eden means "delight or pleasure" and Grace is "God's unmerited favor". I feel like the name is so fitting for what God is doing in my life and the new season He is bringing forth in our lives through this precious gift of new life.

We are in love. Meet Eden...

"For such a time as this..." 

blown away by love....

So I continue to wait...wait on the Lord...wait on this baby.
It has been a battle to stay focused and positive with the pain and discomfort. It is a challenge to know how to rest in the midst of chaos at times.
Yesterday I had another doctor's visit and if I do not go into labor on my own they will induce me on Monday...it is a relief to know there is an end in sight.
I want to find rest in the Lord as I wait...knowing each day brings me closer to the end.
During this season of me being out of commission I have been blown away by the love of friends and family...calling, texting, sending words of encouragement, bringing meals, watching my children. I am blessed.
My dear and talented friend Laura took these pictures from my surprise shower on Saturday. I love the ones where the girls are praying for me. I was blown away by love...

falling apart and being upheld

What a week....I went to the doctor's on Wednesday for a normal routine check up. I was in a lot of pain in my hip and lower back and having a lot of pressure and off and on contractions. I cried through the visit because I was so uncomfortable. The doctor checked me and I was three centimeters but told me not to get my hopes up. The next three days I continued to feel contractions and pressure and a lot of cramping. All of my other labors have been super quick so when I started feeling things I kept thinking I was going into labor but it would never progress. So for three days I drove myself crazy thinking "any time" now.
Yesterday I went back to the doctor because like I said I felt like I was going crazy. . . especially as the pain in my back and hip continues to worsen so that I can hardly walk.
To make a long story short after a doctor's visit and several hours in triage the conclusion is. . . I am falling apart. Basically 8 pregnancies in 10 years has taken its toll. . . my uterus is more sensitive and my muscles are not what they used to be.
I feel a bit like the pictures Sarah drew of me. . . awkward and uncomfortable.
And I have felt very much at the end of myself and my strength. And that is where falling apart is a good thing. . . so I can fall into the arms of Grace.
A friend (thanks Kelley) sent me this verse yesterday from Psalms 63:8,




"My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me"


She then wrote that even when I feel like I am falling apart He is upholding me.


As I have gotten to the end of myself and my own strength I am starting to feel His hand upholding me a little more. I am seeing I need to continue to let go and TRUST (isn't this a common theme).
I can trust that this little girl will come in His perfect timing. A song I have been listening to on repeat is Misty Edwards "Turn it All Around"....


"He's gonna turn it all around...just wait and see. He's gonna make everything beautiful just in time".

Today is a perfect example....

I woke up in a lot of pain but felt more rested than I had all week. I have not been sleeping good at all and have been very uncomfortable. We were supposed to go to a friend's house for a brunch and I had debated whether or not we should go but then decided a distraction would be good.

 I limped my way up the front steps of their house and into the backyard where we were going to eat. I opened the back door only to be surrounded by twenty of my friends and family. I just stood there looking confused. It wasn't my birthday. What the world?

It was a surprise baby shower for me. After the shock wore off I just cried. 

Blown away by love. Surprised by God's timing. Overwhelmed by my friends and family.

It was so what I needed at the right time.

So I feel encouraged...this was not how I envisioned the end of my pregnancy to look like. I am going to have let more things go. I will spend a lot of time on the couch but I can fight it or embrace it. I spent last week fighting and I am tired. I will embrace it and keep my eyes on the prize...my baby girl.

Misty Edwards is singing now, "Don't give up. Don't give in. If you don't quit you win. Just wait and see..."

I am waiting in eager anticipation.

waiting.

waiting is so hard sometimes. i don't like to wait...waiting has an element of being out of control.

right now i feel very out of control. i am still dealing with a lot of pain...in my back and specifically in my right hip. i limp when i walk and it kills to go up the stairs. everyday tasks are becoming increasingly more difficult.

i was at the doctor's today and there is not a whole lot they can do...except wait for this baby to come. i have been feeling very emotional and having contractions reguarly now so i am praying that the wait is soon up. it is funny how just two weeks ago i was still feeling nervous about delivering but now i am like "just bring it on".

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. psalm 27:14

a boy and his dog

tumbleweeds...