another wave.

It's raining outside and the raindrops are pattering against the windowsill.  I am sitting here trying to do the bills but tears keep rolling down my cheeks. 

I will stop fighting and pay attention to my heart.

I went to visit a friend today who just had a baby. There is something about a newborn that is so peaceful and reverent...like holding a small miracle in your arms. I enjoyed snuggling with

 the new little bundle and talking to the mom about her birth story. I came home and made lunch and was fine. I sat at the computer and opened up Pinterest and someone had posted a bunch of newborn picture ideas. Suddenly there is a longing and hurting in my heart. What is this? I decide to pull up Eden's baby pictures on my blog. I stare into those newborn eyes on my screen and suddenly I am crying. 

Crying because Eden is growing up, crying for the little baby I lost, crying because I'm not sure I want to have another newborn. Looking at those pictures made me ache for the baby I never got to hold. I miss Benjamin. How can I miss someone I never knew....

One thing I have found is that healing comes in waves. Most days I am fine. But every once in awhile a song, a picture, a word will come and wash away some more hurt from my heart. I welcome these waves although sometimes painful. I know it is good...He is good.

"What was intended to tear you apart, God intends to set you apart. What has torn you, God makes a thin place to see His GLORY..."

~Ann Voskamp