the definiton of success.

There are moments, days even where having five kids feels easy, doable, manageable. These are the days where the laundry is folded, the dishes are kept up with, the house looks tidy, I have the patience of a saint and the kids are playing nicely, maybe even sitting in an armchair reading books to their little sister. Who am I kidding? This is hardly reality. Most days when everyone is home there is never ending wash and dishes, fighting and messes everywhere. 

 Some days it can feel like an uphill climb. 

Yesterday was one of those days. I had a meltdown before church as I was trying to direct everyone to get dressed, clean up breakfast, sweep the floor, make lunch for the company we were having over after lunch, tidy up the house so it looked presentable and then get myself out of my pajamas. In the mean time it felt like no one was cooperating with my plan. Kids were literally running circles around the house yelling. Then the girls decided to make a fort in their bedroom, a nightlight got knocked over shattering the light bulb and it was now fifteen minutes till we needed to go and I was still in my pajamas and there was messes everywhere! So I did what any good mom would do...yelled at everybody and then started to cry.

 Mark looked at me with a sideways glance.
"I know!! I shouted,  "I don't know whats wrong with me. 

I keep doing what I don't want to do. But also no one is cooperating either!"

As I jumped into the shower to get ready I let the water wash over me and God began to speak to my heart. I felt like a failure on how the morning had gone and how the kids were acting. That is when I felt him whisper,

 "What is your definition of success?"

 I thought about it. My definition of success looked more like what I described in the first paragraph....basically perfection.

What if my definition of success is not God's definition. What if success looked more umm....messy.

I love to have everything neat and organized and tidy. But the reality of having seven people living in a small farm house means people bumping into each other and making messes all the time. Physical ones and emotional ones too. 

What if success means losing it and then apologizing. What if success is teaching brothers how to work through their issues. What if success is a whole lot more messy and unorganized.

I need to rewrite my definition of success and get God's perspective. 

It starts with letting go of control and my desires for a clean, tidy quiet house (because that's not really all that I want in life). 

Embracing adventure. Giving choices. Being okay with some chaos. Laughing more. 

And as I do. I find more joy, more fun, more love than I ever imagined possible...

"I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work. For as the sky soars high above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you you work and the way I think is beyond the way you think."

-God (isaiah 55)