here.

I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of a text coming into my phone. It was a message saying, "no school today". I had just been wondering if I had taken full advantage of the last snow day and had just written a blog post about redefining my definition of success. It was going to be a good day!

By 8:30 I had already broken up like five fights over the rainbow bracelet loom and the children were running the loop around the kitchen and living room like it was a race track. So in 0 degree record breaking weather with wind chills in the negative 20's I bundle up everyone into the car and head to the grocery store. After surviving the store and unloading groceries, making lunch, having some dreaded, I mean, beloved craft time and watching a movie it is still like only 2:00. So that left over three hours till dinner time which turned into what seemed like hours of fighting, whining, crying, and more fighting, whining and crying. 

How did the day take such a downward turn? What is wrong with these children? What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? 

I take everything so personally. Rather than see it as five children coming off post Christmas craziness and sugar highs being stuck in a small space together for days on end being normal children fighting with their siblings... I think that I am a failure as mother because there is fighting, yelling and chaos.

Lord I need you! This mothering thing is not for the faint of heart!!!

Today the older three went back to school. The house with only two little girls is drastically more quiet. As I was cleaning up in the boys room I came across this note Sarah had written,

It ministered to my heart because I did not so much "feel " like those things yesterday. But again I too often look at where I failed or messed up rather than were I succeeded like playing card games with the kids, doing crafts, making food for my family, snuggling with Silas and Eden on the couch, reading stories together...

Seconds after I found the note Hope brought me my phone and she had turned on a song that I had played a lot during the months of October and November when I was sick on the couch and not sure how things were going to turn out. A friend had sent it to me and it had ministered to me a lot then but it ministered to me again today being on the other side.

But now you're here just like the sun after the rain

And now you're here just like the calm after the waves

And i don't mean to sound surprised that you'd be near

But yesterday I wasn't sure 

Praise God You're here.

-katy kinard

He is here in the quiet. He is here in the crazy. He is here in the pain. He is here in the healing.

Today I am letting the Lord touch those tired burnt out weary places and minister His love, His perspective, His intimacy. It is what I need. He is calling me and I will answer.