life

I said I was not going to hold my breath but I did anyways. Holding parts of my heart back for fear I might get disappointed. Keeping a distance from the Lord afraid He might not really be able to be trusted.
I didn't do these things consciously but they were still there. Whenever worship music came on I would weep, the gaping hole in my heart exposed. I began to realize these things earlier this week and reading over my journal I was reminded again of the Lord's heart for me and the promises He has spoken.
So I should not have been surprised yesterday to find LIFE yet I still was. "Exhale. Breathe. It's really going to be okay."The ultrasound technician turned on the machine and immediately we saw the form of a little baby, kicking and moving, with a steady heartbeat. I was moved to tears. Relief. In awe at the new life growing inside of me. Remaining fear starting to flee...

Little baby Buck at 10 weeks 2 days


I was also surprised to find out I had gained 7 pounds in the last month. Surprising really because I had been throwing up every other day and eating only what would stay down. I shouldn't have been surprised though since my jeans are already tight at only 10 weeks. The extra 7 pounds have kind of formed an inter tube around my middle. I was reminded yesterday of the quote I sent my sister in law when she was very pregnant with her fifth,

"Scars and stretch marks and muffin tops are all part of your kingdom work. One of the greatest testimonies Christian women can have in the world today is the testimony of joyfully giving your body to another."  (Rachel Jankovic)

So I will embrace the muffin top and the extra pounds knowing I am bringing forth another life. A life that is eagerly anticipated.

"God made woman to be a maker, to open her empty places and let life be knit from within her."
(Ann Voskamp)