Monday, May 5, 2014

the day i confronted my fear.

When the Lord puts his finger on something in my life it starts surfacing everywhere...on the radio, in a book, through my children and even on a date night.
Mark and I had planned a much needed date night last Saturday. I was looking forward to getting a break from the children and spending some alone time with my man. So when he got out his motorcycle Saturday morning and started cleaning it I was confused. The truth is I have posed smiling on the bike for a photo shoot and have ridden once around the block in the almost six years he has owned it. I have always had some good excuse while I could not ride, like "I'm pregnant" or "we don't have a sitter" but truth be told I was terrified of the thing.
So when Mark told me that he wanted to go for a ride as part of a date I did what any one who has been wrestling with fear does. Recognize it as God's method of dealing with fear in my life? No! I threw a temper tantrum that would have made a two year old jealous. 
"I am not riding and you cannot make me" foot stomp and tears to emphasize my point.
Mark gently reminded me that my children were watching me.

I didn't care. I knew I was being irrational and I knew God had been confronting fear at every turn. I even wanted to ride just get over my fear but yet it felt easier to just watch from the sidelines rather than get on the bike and ride.
After some time to think it over and some encouragement from my friend Amber whose husband also has a triumph motorcycle and was going to ride with us, I decided to go for it.

As the time for our ride got closer I had butterflies in my stomach as if I was getting ready to go on a first date! We met up with Tyler and Amber and set off for a ride through the country. When I let go of the fear of dying and falling right off the back of the bike I started to relax a little and enjoy the view. I was still afraid of turning my head too far for fear of throwing something off but it was a different way of looking at the landscape than I was accustomed to and I was on an adventure outside of my comfort zone. It was strangely freeing.

There were times on the ride like when we we briefly rode on the highway and riding home in the dark where I literally needed to confront my fears out loud by screaming "Jesus" and singing "you make me brave"loudly into my helmet to drown out the clatter of my thoughts. But as I stopped focusing on the fear I could actually enjoy the ride I was on. (I am sure there is a ton of parallels to life in that sentence).

I did it and I am proud of myself. I confronted my fear. I tried something new. And I may even ride again. 

"You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made a way.

-Bethel Music
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway."
-John Wayne

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