Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The Unraveling: Learning to Swim

"I wanted a way of living that felt more like living and less like drowining"
~Shauna Niequist

I had been feeling like I was drowning. Like everything felt like too much and when I tried to come up for air I was more gulping mouths full of water than really breathing. Something needed to change.

After three weeks of continued neck pain I went to a chiropractor. Just going there felt like I was pushing through a lot of fear but I knew I needed help and I could literally feel something moving in and out of place. Just resting wasn't healing it. Also now I was having hip pain too. The X-rays confirmed I had a bunch of stuff going on in my neck and also my hip...degenerative discs and a compressed disc causing the pinched nerves to name a few. They suggested I come twice a week for 6 weeks to start with.

I fell apart when I got the diagnosis. I felt so weak. Frustrated. Ashamed.

At the same time I was drowning in fears. In doubt. In the weight of being a mother. In the pressures of day to day life.

I literally felt like I was being unraveled.

But then God spoke to me tenderly in church one morning that he is doing more than just realigning my bones but my heart also. I am being unraveled but it is out of love not punishment. It is a healing down to my very bones. He is healing me from the inside out.

"You unravel me with a melody
You surround me with a song
My deliverance from my enemies 
Till all my fears are calmed
I am no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God".

~ Jonathan and Melissa Helser

And when God is unraveling you it is a good thing. It is like He is shining his healing light onto things in my heart. "Here this needs to be looked at" and "I would like to take this from you". My job is to be quiet and listen...and trust the process, something that is so hard when I want instant healing and results. I need to remember this, God wants to restore my joy to the point where life doesn't feel like it is constantly draining and every little thing is exhausting. He doesn't want me to drown but swim and get this, enjoy it.

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim."
~Tyler Knott Gregson

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