"Anxiety and depression dry the bones. His love is blood reaching every part. His love awakens the dying parts, knits me back together mind, body and soul"
~ Amber Haines
I feel like I am constantly fighting back the demons of fear and worry these days. If it not fear about my own body and the weird process it seems to be going through then it is about something happening to Mark or the kids. Sometimes when the fear comes it is literally like I can't do anything else and guess what my neck starts hurting more too. It is all connected more than I realize.
I felt like the Lord asked me the other day what I was so afraid of.
I am afraid because I really do have a beautiful life. I am afraid of both not fully enjoying it and also of losing it. Oddly enough the fear is what prevents from enjoying it. There are days and moments (like the hair pulling, nerve scratching, dinner time crazy hour) where I want to escape my life...melt into the walls or hide in the bathroom because the noise, fighting, constant demands, and internal battles seem to be draining the very life out of me and I fear losing my mind. But that very same life I want to escape at times is the very life I am so desperately afraid to lose. So at times I teeter back and forth between the two feeling like a crazy woman.
Jesus help me.
The truth is, it is hard. This mothering thing is hard. The demands are very real. And I put way too much pressure on myself.
The truth is also this, that I am not in control of much but I can be in control of my thoughts. And worry only drains me. Fear doesn't stop things from happening...it only stops me from enjoying the moments in front of me.
Jesus drown my fears in your perfect love. Revive these dry bones. Awaken my soul.