The Unraveling: Reviving dry bones

"Anxiety and depression dry the bones. His love is blood reaching every part. His love awakens the dying parts, knits me back together mind, body and soul"

~ Amber Haines

I feel like I am constantly fighting back the demons of fear and worry these days. If it not fear about my own body and the weird process it seems to be going through then it is about something happening to Mark or the kids. Sometimes when the fear comes it is literally like I can't do anything else and guess what my neck starts hurting more too. It is all connected more than I realize.

I felt like the Lord asked me the other day what I was so afraid of. 

I am afraid because I really do have a beautiful life. I am afraid of both not fully enjoying it and also of losing it. Oddly enough the fear is what prevents from enjoying it. There are days and moments (like the  hair pulling, nerve scratching, dinner time crazy hour) where I want to escape my life...melt into the walls or hide in the bathroom because the noise, fighting, constant demands, and internal battles seem to be draining the very life out of me and I fear losing my mind. But that very same life I want to escape at times is the very life I am so desperately afraid to lose. So at times I teeter back and forth between the two feeling like a crazy woman.

Jesus help me.

The truth is, it is hard. This mothering thing is hard. The demands are very real. And I put way too much pressure on myself.

The truth is also this, that I am not in control of much but I can be in control of my thoughts. And worry only drains me.  Fear doesn't stop things from happening...it only stops me from enjoying the moments in front of me.

Jesus drown my fears in your perfect love. Revive these dry bones. Awaken my soul.

The Unraveling: Learning to Swim

"I wanted a way of living that felt more like living and less like drowining"

~Shauna Niequist

I had been feeling like I was drowning. Like everything felt like too much and when I tried to come up for air I was more gulping mouths full of water than really breathing. Something needed to change.

After three weeks of continued neck pain I went to a chiropractor. Just going there felt like I was pushing through a lot of fear but I knew I needed help and I could literally feel something moving in and out of place. Just resting wasn't healing it. Also now I was having hip pain too. The X-rays confirmed I had a bunch of stuff going on in my neck and also my hip...degenerative discs and a compressed disc causing the pinched nerves to name a few. They suggested I come twice a week for 6 weeks to start with.

I fell apart when I got the diagnosis. I felt so weak. Frustrated. Ashamed.

At the same time I was drowning in fears. In doubt. In the weight of being a mother. In the pressures of day to day life.

I literally felt like I was being unraveled.

But then God spoke to me tenderly in church one morning that he is doing more than just realigning my bones but my heart also. I am being unraveled but it is out of love not punishment. It is a healing down to my very bones. He is healing me from the inside out.

"You unravel me with a melody

You surround me with a song

My deliverance from my enemies 

Till all my fears are calmed

I am no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God".

~ Jonathan and Melissa Helser

And when God is unraveling you it is a good thing. It is like He is shining his healing light onto things in my heart. "Here this needs to be looked at" and "I would like to take this from you". My job is to be quiet and listen...and trust the process, something that is so hard when I want instant healing and results. I need to remember this, God wants to restore my joy to the point where life doesn't feel like it is constantly draining and every little thing is exhausting. He doesn't want me to drown but swim and get this, enjoy it.

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim."
~Tyler Knott Gregson

The Unraveling: When God has our backs

I am going to start a little series called "The Unraveling". It is about the process I am currently in. Writing my thoughts out has been part of the unraveling process and pushing publish feels a bit scary and vulnerable but my hope is these words might resonate with someone else too. And also that I may someday look back and recall to mind what the Lord has done.

*******


I laid next to the thrashing toddler gently holding her down. I knew she was exhausted, the tears whining and fussing all morning had proven that. Yet here she was screaming and crying and fighting her nap. "Why are you fighting rest?" I wanted to ask and started to. But the words stopped short and seemed to be staring back at me.

It had been a rough week or so. I had woken up one morning with a stiff neck and pinched nerve in my shoulder. The first couple days I just tried to ignore it. I have noticed this pattern that sometimes when I am not feeling well I add more onto my plate. It is like subconsciously I am feeling out of control so I decide that cleaning out closets and organizing the pantry makes sense when my neck is killing me. It is not logical at all but it is what I do. Finally after a week of a stiff neck and discomfort I broke down and cried. Fell apart really. I recognized how much tension I was feeling inside. I wasn't sure what was cause and effect but it didn't matter. I could say I wasn't tense but if a kid touched me the wrong way or didn't respond how I wanted it was like they were reaching inside of me and pushing a nerve and I reacted. Usually with a harsh tone or impatient gesture. I needed to start to unwind.

So here I was laying with Eden wondering why she was fighting rest. All that was waiting for her on the other side was the comfort of my arms and peace for her body and mind. But she was fighting. After continued efforts and encouragement and me gently holding her down she finally fell asleep.

It was time for me to do the same. I cleared off my schedule. Started to take time to rest on the couch. Use the heating pad. Let the laundry and dishes pile up. My neck started to feel a little better. But I 

still felt knotted up inside.

I have been feeling lately like I just want things to slow down and stop, for the merry go round that is life to pause. But when my body started to scream for rest it was hard for me to pause. I didn't realize how much pressure I had been putting on myself and  a lot of the expectations I felt were internal. I am a stay at home mom and my own boss but sometimes I am just downright bossy and a slave driver not giving myself grace. I also started to see how since Eden has stopped napping I had stopped resting too and picked up the mentality that the more I got done in a day the better. When I was finally forced to stop I felt frustrated by how I couldn't do what I wanted to do. It felt like a punishment rather than a blessing of rest. I also realized how easy it was to get distracted from true rest by picking up my phone. Sometimes we need to stop fighting and rest and sometimes we need to fight for the rest.

Around this same time Mark came home from the gym and had pulled a muscle in his back. We were quite the couple with his sore back and my stiff neck taking our Motrin and snuggling with our heating pads and both struggling a bit for perspective. A friend of ours had been praying for him right after it happened and felt like God was wanting to speak something through it and the word was this:
"He has our backs"

Why do I have so much trouble believing this...like deep down trusting this?

 He has our backs. He's got my neck. He has my life.

My heart can be at rest.

Our kids pulled out our wedding video the other night and called for me to join them as I cleaned the kitchen. I reluctantly set down my dish towel and piled on the couch to watch with them. They had pulled out the disc that contained an hour or so of footage of us getting ready and having our pictures taken. It was unedited and raw. And can I say completely uncomfortable to watch. 

I stared at the screen at the young girl before my eyes with the freckles and wrinkle free face. Her hair was pulled back in a simple bun and she wore only a little mascara. She seemed reserved and nervous. Part of me wanted to change how she looked and wanted her to be something that she wasn't yet. She seemed so innocent and child like. I looked at the groom next to her who looked so young and happy and carefree. I wanted to tell the couple what was ahead. How many twists and turns would come in the next 14 years...job changes and moves and many houses. They would experience miscarriages and babies, times of celebration and great disappointment. I wanted to tell the girl she would have someone in diapers for twelve years straight! How she would find and lose herself over and over and would learn her style and her giftings. How motherhood would be the biggest challenge and the greatest gift. I wanted to tell her how that man standing there who she had not even yet kissed would become her best friend. He was the man she rested her head on and cried with when things were rough. How some days he could make her so mad but she is so much more in love with him now than on the day she would say I do.  I wanted to share with her how his hand in hers would feel like home. I wanted to tell her that life was hard but also beautiful and that things really did get better with time. 

Watching the video the kids laughed and made fun of me and I cringed hard at myself but laughed along at the awkwardness. Sarah scoffed at my dress and puffy veil and sparkly flip flops and asked if I would change anything. I wanted to say yes and started to but I paused and thought about her question. Yes, today our wedding would look different and yes, we are very different people from those two standing before me on the screen but that was who we were then and it has shaped who we are today.

"No Sarah, I wouldn't change a thing".

the couch.

Thirteen years ago a newlywed couple went couch shopping for their new apartment in the city. The bought a comfy couch on sale for a great price and proceeded to get into a huge fight on where to put it in their new living room. They eventually worked it out and the couch found a spot that they could agree on and they made that apartment home.

That same couch moved with us seven more times to different homes and living rooms. City row houses and country farmhouses and a beach house in North Carolina. The couch was a constant. We brought five babies home from the hospital to this couch where I would sit for hours nursing and burping and changing diapers. I laid on this couch pleading to God to save my baby when we had our first miscarriage. I threw myself on this couch and bawled on the day I found out we were miscarrying twins. I spent many nauseous days laying on this couch. On sick days we spread blankets on its seats and it become a refuge of rest for children to get better. Couples too numerous to count have sat on this couch sharing laughter and stories and tears. Movie nights and forts and jumping antics have inhabited these cushions. Bedtime stories, afternoon naps, and winter nights cuddling with the man I love...all happened on this same couch.

The couch has held up remarkably well for all that has encompassed these thirteen years but lately it has been looking a little sad and saggy and I have found myself pining away something different. In September we bought a building with some close friends in downtown Lancaster that houses Mark's office and new co working space.We spent most of the fall working on the office and buying things to furnish the space. I think watching his office get transformed made me want to buy new furniture. I convinced myself a new leather couch was just what I wanted and would transform my living room. I found a leather couch on Craigslist that was a great price from Pottery Barn and even though it was way darker than I liked we decided to go for it. Mark drove an hour and half away to buy this couch and brought it home and...I hated it. It was way too dark, not at all the look I wanted. I have been drawn to the "boho" style with its warm earthy colors and plants on Pinterest and have been pining pictures of leather couches not taken into consideration that nothing in my house matches that look. Ugh. I cried. Over the couch that I hated. From disappointment and embarrassment that I didn't really know what I wanted. And I cried because I was now still stuck with my thirteen year old couch.

Long story short, the hated leather couch (which is actually beautiful) found its way to Mark's studio and looks amazing with its white walls and floors. The old velveteen rabbit of a sofa want back to its initial home. And you know what...I actually feel happy.

I learned what I don't want. The old couch looked much better in our home than the leather one. And I found a new love for our couch and all the faithful ways it has been there for us over the years.

Maybe a new couch is still in my near future but sometimes what you already have is better than you think. You just need a new perspective.

if you are worried about being a bad parent you are a probably a good one.

Almost four years later I am finally working on a baby book for Eden. Recently we got out the other kids baby books that I faithfully scrap booked back in the day and Eden kept asking "Where's my baby book? Where's my pictures? Where's ME?". So I started the process of going through a gazillion files and sorting and editing. In the process I came across pictures I had never seen. Snapshots of our every day life. I also came across pictures that I remembered being critical of but was now thankful to have. As I sorted through the images I was looking at myself through Mark's eyes and how he captured our life and it was changing my point of view.

So often I see how I fall short as a mom or how I can improve and I miss the ways I am actually getting it right. But as I looked through the pictures I was seeing myself loving on my kids, reading to them, sitting with them around the campfire, feeding them as babies, combing their hair, being with them. Mark captured me smiling at them and kissing their cheeks. And I actually looked happy...which is a fear of mine that all they will remember is a tired grouchy mom. 

The pictures were ministering to me.

I am a good mom.

So friends if you are struggling to feel like you are not measuring up today take a moment to reflect on all the ways you are loving on your kids and all the ways you are getting it right ...because I think if you are afraid you are not a good mom its means that you are exactly a great one. 

beautiful chaos: when your expectations trick you.

This mothering thing is hard. This season of parenting has many challenges that some days makes me want to melt into a puddle of tears. There is so much noise, and fighting, and emotions and working things out and attitudes, did I mention attitudes?

Recently good friends of ours offered to take our kids overnight. I called them like five times to make sure I heard them right. "you mean like all five. Are you sure? do you know what you are getting in to?" And did I mention my friend is pregnant with twins. Oh my. 

I felt like such a horrible mom dropping five kids off to a pregnant woman and to make matters worse Moses and I had a big fight on the way over and attitude levels were high,  Hope suddenly says she maybe sort of has a sore throat and Eden broke out into a coughing fit. We were a mess.

After I apologized like fourteen times and dropped off enough sleeping bags and suitcases to look like we were moving in, I said goodbye and shut the door. Mark happened to already have prior plans so it was a rare night that I was alone. I met a friend for dinner and then headed to Barnes and Nobles to look for a book to read. Being out in public at night by myself was weird. I felt a little off kilter like I didn't know what to do with myself. I found the book I was looking for, paid for it and drove home looking forward to snuggling in by myself and reading in a quiet house something this introvert mother often craves. Silent time to myself. Ahh.

For some reason though the quiet and the night unnerved me. I missed Mark and the kids. I got home to a dark and silent house. I looked around at the house that just a few hours ago was bursting with life and yelling and fighting and the scurry of getting everyone out the door. It felt too quiet. I went upstairs and peered into their empty rooms and beds still unmade and I cried.
 I recognized how lately I have felt some resentment and irritation with being a mom. I think the older they get it is easier in the physical sense because they can get themselves dressed and bathe and brush their own teeth (well when they want too) but the emotional side is so much more challenging navigating their big emotions, their conflicts and their attitudes while trying to maintain control of what is also going on inside of me. So many times I take responsibility for them thinking if they mess up it is a reflection of me so I take everything personally. It can be exhausting knowing how to handle the conflicts and issues that come up. I want to get it right this mothering thing but so often it feels like we are just flailing around working through our stuff.

But standing there in the hallway by myself in an empty dark house I knew I wouldn't want it any other way. I love my house bursting with life. I love our five kids and the joy and craziness they bring. Standing there I was given the gift of perspective. In the quiet I could see how much I was given. In their absence I could see how much I am blessed.

Heading into the holiday season means more family time together. Usually I conjure up expectations of what that means whether it is getting our family picture taken for Christmas cards, finding our tree or whatever and I almost always am frustrated by how different the real experience goes. There are times I am pleasantly surprised but a lot of times when we are all together it is like a huge ball of energy and tension. Which is maybe just the reality of seven different people trying to get along and work through their own expectations and wants but I can easily get discouraged. We attempted three different Christmas card photos and each time the experience made me feel like poking my eye out. It felt tense and chaotic and not at all ideal. But when I look at the pictures now they are not bad at all, great even, and I am reminded that sometimes my expectations trick me. They lie to me and say I am falling short when really they were something that was unrealistic in the first place.

The point is I need to keep the perspective I got that night in the quiet house in the forefront of my mind. This crazy loud life is exactly what I want and it is a gift even if I do sometimes want to scream and pull my hair out. This house full of energy and noise and preadolescence hormones and mommy emotions and toddler tantrums and imperfect people is beautiful.

When Mark came home that night the kids were away I told him how much of a mess I was at home by myself and we both laughed at the silliness. But we both ended up with tears in our eyes at the thought that some day we will have an empty quiet house and we will look back with fond memories and a smile on the craziness that it is today.

on middle school and letting go.

Last week I took Moses to middle school orientation. We walked the halls of the same middle school that I went to and his grandma before him attended.  But everything looked a little foggy and felt different than when I roamed the halls in 1991. That might be because I did the math and realized that was 24 years ago. 24! I came home and told Mark that a lot of the parents looked "old". He just laughed. Is this even reality!? 

I am too young to have a middle schooler.

Yesterday at 6:39 Moses climbed onto the bus for his first day of middle school. Mark and I saw him off and then sat on the bench of our porch and drank our cups of coffee and cried. We cried tears of joy because we are so proud of the young man he is becoming and the confidence he carries. In reality I was way more nervous about this whole middle school thing than he was. "I've got this mom" was his attitude. We cried because our son is growing up and venturing into new unknown territories. A lot of what was talked about at the middle school orientation was about gearing up for high school. I was just warming up to the whole middle school idea and now you keep talking about high school! What!! We cried over the reality that he is heading into a new season. And it it exactly what he is supposed to be doing. Growing up and going on new adventures away from us. It is the "away from us" part that is hard. 

Every summer I hit the end of July and want to throw in the towel because my kids are driving me crazy and every August I weep when it is back to school because I am going to miss them. Every new school year is a new letting go. It is a reminder that I am not in control. A reminder to trust and let them go experience and learn new things. 

So yesterday I cried and let go some more. And in the letting go I find fresh love for these five who have my heart.

and then there was just one. 

and eden never one to be left behind insisted that she pack her backpack and lunch too...just in case.

and look at this face. how could you say "no"!

it's okay.

I started out the summer strong. We had our bucket list hanging on the fridge. I was going to be the fun mom and we were going to make memories that would last a lifetime. I was ready.

Fast forward to last week and I hit a wall. I was tired of fighting children, noise and piles of laundry and dishes. I didn't want to make memories with anyone. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I did not want to take anyone to the pool or out for ice cream or do anything fun. Poor attitudes abounded including my own as much as I tried to "savor the moment"and "embrace chaos".  

This morning I took all five to Target. My sister is getting married and the girls needed shoes for the wedding. Simple? No. Surviving target close to lunch time is like an olympic sport and the older they get the more requests you have to fight off while trying to remember what the heck you even came into the store to buy in the first place. By the time we left I had full out broken into a mom sweat and was speaking to kids through clenched teeth. I stopped and bought myself an iced coffee as a reward simply because I had just survived Target with five kids. 

This mothering thing is tiring. 

Beautiful and rewarding but tiring. 

And its okay. 

Too often I put unrealistic expectations on myself to be super mom and super human. And it's okay that I feel tired and that five kids in summer can sometimes feel hard. And fighting children is normal as much as I hate it and feel like there is something wrong with them.

And...GRACE there is GRACE.

There is grace for me when I feel cranky. There is grace to not have the house look like how I would like it to all the time.. There is grace for the pre adolescent child with the mouthy voice. There is grace for the siblings who need to compete about everything and anything.  There is grace for children who misbehave in Target and whine in loud voices, "You never get me anything I want." There is grace for the garden that is full of weeds and produce that needs picked. There is grace for the three year old who is still not potty trained.

There is GRACE. Even when I don't feel it. There is. 

If you are feeling this way too you are not alone. 

Hang in there friend.

oh that every season would be my favorite.

Yesterday I had a mom meltdown.  A full on mama temper tantrum with tears and snot, foot stomping, threats of quitting and nose pinching. Apparently when I get frustrated I pinch the bridge of my nose. I realized this because one day while riding in the suburban Eden was sitting in her carseat pinching her forehead and nose with a scowl on her face and the kids began yelling from the backseat, "She's doing the Mom thing..you know the thing she does when she is upset!", followed by a chorus of laughter. And sure enough I do it. And my mom did it too when her kids were driving her crazy. And they are. Driving me crazy.

But when I woke up and snuck down the stairs in the early morning light after a good nights sleep I can see things more clearly than I could yesterday. Oh yeah, I love those little people fiercely even when we do have rough days. Sometimes it is hard for this introverted mama who loves quiet alone time to spend all day everyday surrounded by people who need or want something for me. I realized I need to do a better job of carving some time to pull away and get perspective. Because this mothering thing is not for the faint of heart. Some days it is just plain hard. Yesterday was one of those days full of fighting and whining and just poor attitudes including my own. But today is a new day and I am receiving the promise "His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness".

This summer is flying by. It has been good, full of memories made and time spent together. I don't want to wish this time away. I know that in a few weeks I will be sitting in a quiet house with just one child while I send four off to school. I want to savor this season full of noise, fighting, laughter, tears and fun. 

This is my prayer today, 

"Oh that every season would be my favorite. That I would look back on life and feel overwhelmed by the goodness of God to invite me into motherhood. Life is moving, always. May I get into the flow of the beauty of it, that I would trade my heaviness for a weightless grace to love deep."

~Melissa Helser

Motherhood is a gift. 

I am just the mother my kids need.

 I am not alone. 

I am doing better than I think.