Saturday, April 21, 2012

falling apart and being upheld

What a week....I went to the doctor's on Wednesday for a normal routine check up. I was in a lot of pain in my hip and lower back and having a lot of pressure and off and on contractions. I cried through the visit because I was so uncomfortable. The doctor checked me and I was three centimeters but told me not to get my hopes up. The next three days I continued to feel contractions and pressure and a lot of cramping. All of my other labors have been super quick so when I started feeling things I kept thinking I was going into labor but it would never progress. So for three days I drove myself crazy thinking "any time" now.
Yesterday I went back to the doctor because like I said I felt like I was going crazy. . . especially as the pain in my back and hip continues to worsen so that I can hardly walk.
To make a long story short after a doctor's visit and several hours in triage the conclusion is. . . 
I am falling apart. Basically 8 pregnancies in 10 years has taken its toll. . . my uterus is more sensitive and my muscles are not what they used to be.
I feel a bit like the pictures Sarah drew of me. . . awkward and uncomfortable.
And I have felt very much at the end of myself and my strength. And that is where falling apart is a good thing. . . so I can fall into the arms of Grace.
A friend (thanks Kelley) sent me this verse yesterday from Psalms 63:8,

"My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me"

She then wrote that even when I feel like I am falling apart He is upholding me.

As I have gotten to the end of myself and my own strength I am starting to feel His hand upholding me a little more. I am seeing I need to continue to let go and TRUST (isn't this a common theme).
I can trust that this little girl will come in His perfect timing. A song I have been listening to on repeat is Misty Edwards "Turn it All Around"....

"He's gonna turn it all around...just wait and see. He's gonna make everything beautiful just in time".

Today is a perfect example....

I woke up in a lot of pain but felt more rested than I had all week. I have not been sleeping good at all and have been very uncomfortable. We were supposed to go to a friend's house for a brunch and I had debated whether or not we should go but then decided a distraction would be good.
 I limped my way up the front steps of their house and into the backyard where we were going to eat. I opened the back door only to be surrounded by twenty of my friends and family. I just stood there looking confused. It wasn't my birthday. What the world?
It was a surprise baby shower for me. After the shock wore off I just cried. 
Blown away by love. Surprised by God's timing. Overwhelmed by my friends and family.

It was so what I needed at the right time.
So I feel encouraged...this was not how I envisioned the end of my pregnancy to look like. I am going to have let more things go. I will spend a lot of time on the couch but I can fight it or embrace it. I spent last week fighting and I am tired. I will embrace it and keep my eyes on the baby girl.

Misty Edwards is singing now, "Don't give up. Don't give in. If you don't quit you win. Just wait and see..."

I am waiting in eager anticipation.


Missy. said...

oh girl. i remember. :( so sorry. please rest. drink LOTS of water. watch movies. take care of yourself. :) so sorry i couldn't make the shower...i was at a friends shower from high school, her first baby...much fun too. i am glad you are feeling loved and supported. it won't be long. it really won't. :)

The lady of the house... said...

oh sweet heather, i too am sorry that this is what you're dealing with, both physically AND emotionally, (they are so tied aren't they)? i anticipate the ANNOUNCEMENT and the DELIVERY, (not only of the baby, but of the pain)!!!!

love from strasburg.