Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Thoughts on Motherhood.

   This is my eighth Mother's day and I was greeted by a 10 foot handmade banner, cards written in kindergarten letters, a beautiful hanging flower basket, and lots of hugs and kisses. I was recently thinking back to my first Mother's Day when I was pregnant with Moses. We were on our way to church and Mark gave me a card and wished me "happy mother's day". For some reason I was caught off guard and I just lost it and began to bawl my eyes out. I was about 7 months pregnant and only about 9 months married and the realization of what I was about to embark on hit me. I did not feel ready or prepared for this mothering thing. I still have days like that, or lots of days like that. Each new age brings different challenges I have never faced before and even though this is my fourth time living with a two year old I am still dealing with new things like Hope throwing major crying fits that are several minutes long and then turning to me sweetly and saying "I done crying now Mommy". What!!!!  (she has done this 3 times in the last two days...)

   On Easter Sunday I had the chance to share at church about "Buried He carried my sins far away" taken from the song "Glorious Day". I shared how I used to think I was a pretty good person. I knew Jesus died for my sins but I honestly did not think I had that much to be forgiven of. Then I got married... and realized that they was a lot of selfishness, pride and stubbornness inside of me. And then I had kids.  Enough said. The pendulum swung and I now have a hard time not beating myself up because I mess up every single day. But I am realizing that there is grace and I need to receive it for myself so I can extend it to my children and others around me. When I am tense and have way too high expectations it seems that is when my children act out the worst. Jesus carried my sins far away, as far as the east is from the west. I want to walk in the freedom and mercy that is there for me as a mother, every. single. day.

   My 21 year old sister called me on Mother's Day to ask me a question and as we were hanging up she said "Oh I forgot to say Happy Mother's Day. I almost forgot you were a mom".  I laughed and said "Well i can't forget". And maybe some days I think I would like to forget... on those crazy shopping trips where I think my blood pressure is going to explode by the time the groceries are loaded in the car, or those days when no one can seem to get along, or the endless pile of dishes and laundry that never go away. But I don't really want to forget. Because the rewards far out weigh the sacrifice and I know this is what  I was created to do. (Crazy! As if on cue as I was writing those very words Silas comes running in with a huge grin and a bouquet of lily of the valley in his little hand. "Here Mom I picked these for you". )

   I am reminded just now of something an older father said to us a few months ago. We were at their house having dinner. They have four grown children and are now having grandchildren. He looked at us and our four children who were bouncing around in their living room and said to us "Wow you are in some of the best years of your life". Really?!  His words struck me because I don't always see it that way. But I do not want to forget these days....I want to enjoy these days of mothering and look back and remember them as some of the best years of my life.

1 comment:

Mark and Heather Buckwalter said...

Great job sharing your heart - I love you baby. Mark