two becoming one.

During the week of confusion and turmoil Mark and I talked very little. Up until this point our relationship was kind of fairy taleish in how we knew we were going to get married from the very first date. But there was some doubts underneath the surface that now came bubbling up and out. And it was not pretty. I said some mean and hurtful things to him that week. I let loose every doubt and fear and question that I had.

I was half expecting him to run. But he stayed calm and listened to me. And prayed. And that spoke volumes to my heart. He saw the ugly come out and he didn't waiver.

There were things that we both needed to work through but we decided that we wanted to do it together. So even though the ring was off we continued to move forward. It felt a little shaky at first but I believe our relationship was stronger because of some of the things we worked through.

Dating in some ways was everything I hoped for. We would spend hours talking till all hours of the night. We both felt like we could not get enough of each other. This must be love!!

Dating also seemed to expose things in each others hearts and there always seemed to be some issue we were working through. This was frustrating at times. I thought I was a good Christian. Why was all this stuff coming up? I thought dating and engagement was supposed to be all lovey dovey and sometimes this just plain out feels hard. Again my expectations seemed to keep getting in the way. Ways that I expected him to act kept bringing disappointment and frustration. We were learning a lot very quickly about communication and ideals and expectations.

Looking back now I see it so clearly. It was two becoming one. It is not always a smooth and easy process. We counsel a lot of young couples and see it all the time. The messy stuff that can come up. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Marriage is sanctifying. It has it's way of exposing stuff in our hearts. This could be frustrating at times but also beautiful because as we worked thought the tough stuff that came up we just kept falling more in love with each other through it.

"Love it is a rock" Shawn Mullins sings, "smoothed over by a stream."
We want love to be stable and immovable, like a rock. Steady and sure. But the stream part is another matter. Some force constantly washing over us, smoothing our rough edges. We don't much go in for that. But let's face it--we've all got a good bit of smoothing over to do. For this wonderful process, God gives us...each other.
Marriage is the rushing stream God uses to shape us into more loving people"
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-excerpt from "Love and War" by John and Stasi Elderidge